The Courage to Listen

How can we be kind? The most important way is to LISTEN. 
Which begs the question, what kinds of things interfere with our ability to listen?

 There are, of course, different types of listening, required for different situations.

There is informative listening, such as listening to lectures, instructions, briefings, reports, and speeches. Effective informative listening requires good concentration, memory recall, and a vocabulary necessary for understanding the topic.

Relationship listening is different from informative listening in that the emphasis is on understanding the other person, not just the topic. Good relationship listening requires paying attention, watching for and understanding the nonverbal cues, being supportive (not interrupting, not changing the subject, not giving advice, and being patient), and being able to empathize.

There is appreciative listening, which is usually something for which one totally opts-in. We listen to music we enjoy, lectures which intrigue us, TV and theater shows that interest us. Because the listener is highly motivated to appreciatively listen due to an interest, the most common barriers here will be those which are beyond the control of the listener.

There is critical listening, which we need when listening to politicians, salespeople, the media, and such. Aristotle wrote about critical listening in his treatise, The Rhetoric. He advised to keep all three elements of the message in perspective, that of ethos (source credibility), logos (logical argument), and pathos (psychological appeals). Critical listening seems to be a vanishing skill.

Finally, there is discriminative listening. This type of listening is more of an art than a science, in that it listens for minute changes in force, pitch, rate, volume, emphasis, verbal and nonverbal cues, intonations, and other nuances of intent. As an example, discriminative listening is used by an automobile technician in trying to discern the source of a screeching noise in the car. A well trained technician can rule out a faulty fan belt based on the noise the car is making or what area of the car it is coming from. A musician practices discriminative listening when tuning their instrument.

Obviously, each of these types of listening are used in different situations. Friend to friend and people in community with one another most often practice relationship listening skills. While informative or other kinds of listening comes up from time to time, most often what is more important than the subject is really hearing the other person or people, understanding who they are as much as the words they are using. When someone comes to talk to a clergy person, they are most likely in need of this good relationship listening.

There are many challenges that impede good listening of all kinds. Some are bad habits, and others are situational or physical impediments.  Barriers and bad habits to good and effective listening can include:

1. Trying to listen to more than one conversation at a time, which can include things like texting, cell phone alerts and notifications, social media interruptions, having the television or radio on in the background, being on the telephone, other conversations going on in the same room, children or family or pet needs, loud noise(s) in the environment.

2. Lack of interest in the topic/issue being discussed.

3. Lack of focus or being easily distracted. Being pulled into other conversations so that focusing on one speaker is impossible.

4. Feeling unwell or tired, hungry, thirsty or even being angry or sad or some big emotion in one’s head/heart. Being overly stressed, anxious, or worried can also interfere with good listening. Low self-esteem or lacking in confidence is a block. Genuinely caring about the other person and hearing their perspective is, of course, vital.

5. Being close-minded to the views or experiences of the other person.

6. Being prejudiced or biased by race, gender, age, religion, accent, and/or past experiences. As well, having preconceived ideas will also be a barrier to the ability to fully listen.

7. Making judgements of the speaker (thinking them not very well educated or unable to share anything new, etc.) Stereotyping a person makes one less objective and therefore less likely to listen effectively.

8. Being strongly influenced by previous life experiences that in some way reminds one of the speaker or topic.

9. Attempting to change the topic.

10. Practicing selective listening, such as when the listener thinks they have heard the main points or understand what the speaker wants to say before the speaker has finished sharing. 

11. Offering advice before the problem is fully understood or the speaker has expressed all of their concerns, or keeping a list in one’s head of what to say at the first opportunity. This tunes out other more important issues that may come up as the speaker continues to share.

12. Talking. If the listener is more interested in talking than listening, it will impede the ability to truly listen. Talking over the other person, wanting to jump in with an opinion or advice or even cutting the talker off in mid-sentence are all dangers here.

 

Carl Rogers, called the father of “client-centered therapy,” is known for advocating what he referred to as “active listening.” This is a practice of paraphrasing what the listener thinks they heard and looking for clarification. While this is certainly a step in the right direction, and this in and of itself will go a long ways in furthering communication between two people where there seems to be a bottleneck and a constant talking over one another, I believe that deep listening takes this a step further.

Deep listening requires the deepest levels of mindfulness and focusing. It requires an awareness of one’s own “stuff” in order to be open and less prone to interpreting the other person’s experience from a narrow perspective. It requires trust, both in intention and attention. The more present and authentic one can be with oneself, the more so one can also be more present and authentic with others. 

Deep listening allows for nonjudgment, and creates a more open and expansive state of simply being with, whether it is being with oneself or with another. Deep listening attempts to listen without the impediments listed above.

Every listening opportunity will bring its own gifts and its own challenges. Some listening opportunities will require more of the listener than will others. In all cases, it is good to be more aware of and actively work on the barriers and bad habits which prevent good and effective listening.