The Courage To Go On Being Kind

I think it's very sad when a group holding itself out to uphold certain values and standards seems unable to apply those standards within its own ranks. There can be a good show to the outside world, a tall stand against great social injustices, but when it comes to treating each other with respect and dignity? Not so much.

Worse yet, perhaps, is the refusal to see those four fingers pointing back to ourselves when we point outwards. It's always about the finger pointing outwards, always looking for the fault somewhere else, someone to blame. That is known as a toxic group.

 A. Powell Davies said,

I become more and more certain, as the years go by, that wherever friendship is destroyed, or homes are broken, or precious ties are severed, there is a failure of imagination. Someone is too intent on justifying himself, or herself, never venturing out to imagine the way things seem to the other person. Imagination is shut off and sympathy dies. If we know what it is that makes other people speak or act as they do, if we knew it vividly by carefully imagining all that may lie behind it, we might not quarrel. We might understand. Often we could heal the wounds. But even where that is not possible—and of course, we have to admit that it is not always possible—even where fuller understanding only leaves us rather sad and helpless, it would still give us the power to be kind—to act, yes, but still to be kind—to go on being kind. And in a harsh world, G!d knows that even that is something—to go on being kind.

(A. Powell Davies, 1902 – 1957)

There comes a time when the line has been crossed once too often, where someone's unjustified anger has been used as a weapon for the final time, and it is time to take responsibility, make amends, and grow from it.

Moses faced this same situation. He had taken the final straw from "this stiff necked people," and they refused to look to the real source of the problem, which was within themselves. They were angry with Moses who had led them out into the wilderness, angry that their water source had dried up, angry angry angry. "THIS is what you MUST do for us!" they said to Moses. The infighting was bad, and they devolved to the point of total disrespect for their leader, for their clergy, and finally, for one another.

Moses was fed up. He became angry, because all around him was nothing but anger and pointing fingers. It's hard to stay calm when people are venting their spleen at you, isn't it?

In my own life, yesterday I was silent on a phone call where the other person completely flipped out, and began spewing anger like I rarely hear, not letting me get in one single word. Not one word. I had a lot of ideas for options to solving the challenge at hand, but she just unloaded everything she had in her rifle and shot me dead, venting and ranting and raving until she just hung up. And today she is saying I am the one who was defensive... I was SILENT.  Silent. She was so busy shooting me she didn't even notice my silence. I held the phone out a foot from my ear her ranting was so loud and angry, and she didn't even notice.

Like Moses, I am fed up. Like Moses, I put everything in my life on hold to help this group make it to what they thought would be their promised land.

Guess what? Geographical relocation is NOT the promised land. The promised land is NOT a destination to which we arrive, not a building. These people have arrived, and now what? They are on the attack. The are fighting and angry and spewing their anger on anyone within spitting distance. Looking for someone to blame. Looking for the sitting duck.

The promised land is not somewhere we get to and then all is well. It is not the imagined Shangri-la. What is the promised land if it is not a destination? The land of promise is something that enters us. It is something we find within ourselves. It is being able to show the respect ALL people deserve, to have a dialogue, to drop the blame-finding, to have a point that is important and ALSO to be able to listen to other possibilities, hear the facts. Certainly, it is to drop the weapons.

The promised land is not a my-way-or-the-highway-and-this-is-the-ONLY-way. The promised land is filled with potential and possibility, options and opportunities. And until every person is on that journey, the journey within where we find ears to hear others and hearts to respect all, the promised land within will remain elusive and impossible, and more good people will leave, and what will be left is like a gerbil who eats her own babies.

This is our time in the desert when we both yearn for the Promised Land AND learn that the Promised Land is not something we will enter, but something that enters us in the midst of the unbearable desert.

The building was not actually a destination, nor something outside of ourselves. It is the journey within, it is being okay with this scenery and learning to enjoy the view and embrace the challenge of the terrain and weather, because this and only this is where we are today.

The Promised Land is not a paint color or a DRE or getting rid of the discarded boxes. There is no "where" to "go to." There are flowers in bloom and a lush garden around us if we but open our eyes. Where are our eyes? On focusing blame and spewing angry tirades because we MUST have it this ONE way or no way at all? On some distorted desert mirage we see on how things OUGHT to be done? On this is my baby and you can't step on it because I OWN this?

The secret is that the Promised Land is about being a team, about being the real COMMUNITY that we prided ourselves on once being, but which is rapidly disintegrating. The secret is that the Promised Land comes down to being one four letter word: KIND. When and if we can learn to be kind, completely kind to one another, only then will we find our Promised Land, will we find again ourselves and know ourselves to be community.

And if we do not find that SOON, we will lose even more good people, people who have given hours and hours and hours of personal time, unpaid time from work, even given up dreams they had, important dreams, and yet have been totally disrespected.

Does it matter what color the bathroom is painted? Does it matter who fixes this wall hanging? Does it matter if a few words are changed on a description on a web page? Is the real issue that there MUST absolutely be a DRE right this very minute even if the budget has changed, or can we calmly discuss other options that might work as a temporary solution? Does it matter that those discarded boxes be picked up right this very week when the timing is not the best?

Will this group have the courage to find their kindness? To uphold the very principles they claim to uphold?

I can't answer that. I am doing my part, but I can only do my part, and I can only do it for a few more days if the unabated anger continues.

What I will not do is take any more blame, or have any more spleens vented at me. If we need to tell someone something, we must do so with kindness. We must invite others into a dialogue. We need to de-escalate the anger.  When we go armed with anger, it triggers more anger, and more people will walk away.

The Dalai Lama said, "Kindness is my religion." Now is the time for this group to find the courage to move forward with kindness, to drop the anger.

If this does not happen, more people WILL walk away. This much I know for a fact.

CAN WE FIND THE COURAGE TO GO ON BEING KIND?