Few of us like to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, but sometimes it happens as a necessary part of things like, well, jobs. However, voluntolding/mandateering is something entirely different, and the focus of my recent thoughts (and frustrations). In fact, I currently find myself witnessing, not being pressured or manipulated into, but witnessing, three voluntolding/mandateering situations, and it makes me very uncomfortable to see it happening to others. so it's time to address it.
What is voluntolding?
(a) when someone “volunteers” someone else for something in such a way that the other person really doesn’t have a choice;
(b) to be told that you have been volunteered for something without your express consent or knowledge;
(c) being publicly or privately flattered, shamed or guilted into doing something you would not necessarily choose to do if actually given a guilt free choice, or being unduly pressured to do something worthwhile or for the greater good because "you should".
Voluntolding is also less commonly referred to as “mandateering,” or a mashup of the words mandatory and volunteering.
Both terms, voluntolding and mandateering, refer to the same thing.
Let's review some real life examples:
1. You miss a meeting, or perhaps just leave the room for a few minutes, and without your knowledge or permission, the group appoints you as chair or to head up a certain function. (Underhanded and passive-aggressive.)
2. As a subtle undertone or an overt statement: "As a progressive clergy person, you of all people should feel/think/do/act like this-and-such! As a member of a socially aware and responsive church, you need to be involved in this great idea I have for changing the world, or you are being a hypocrite if you don't." (Manipulation through guilt and holding others up to a certain, and often impossible, standard you yourself do not have to meet.)
3. A supervisor uses their workplace authority to pressure employees into working for free at company events with the undertone that refusing to do so will reflect in one's annual review or future raises or promotions. (This is coercion, pure and simple.)
4. Said in a public forum: "You do such a great job of putting together these whatsits, and no one else can do it as well as you, and I just don't have the time, so I'm certain you will want to do this great thing I have decided we should do! Pretty please! batting eyelashes" (Manipulation through flattery and guilt.)
While all of the intentions here behind these scenarios might be good, and while the causes all might be very worthy, it is not okay to subtly or covertly manipulate someone into getting onto your bandwagon.
When we put our needs ahead of someone else, it often leads to subtle or overt manipulation. When we put someone in a position that makes it hard or embarrassing to say no, we are being manipulative.
None of us wants to think we are manipulative. Yet, it is so common and can be so subtle, that often we are manipulative without realizing we are.
Here are some guidelines for how not to manipulate others via voluntolding/mandateering:
1. Don't use guilt and flattery to manipulate someone. Especially don't do it publicly. Let people opt in to help, at the level at which they are comfortable. If no one offers to take on the leadership or the bulk of the work, then you must be willing to do it rather than voluntolding someone else.
2. NEVER use the imperial "we" or "us." Own it. Be direct. YOU want to do X and you need help. Then allow people to OPT IN. Don't force them to opt-out. That's manipulative and uncomfortable.
3. Constantly forgetting or procrastinating can be subtle forms of manipulation. So don't over promise, and don't under deliver. If there is too much on your plate, yet you are constantly signing on for new things to do, perhaps it's time to ask yourself why you keep doing this? Is it to make yourself look valorous to everyone else when you know either you can't meet the deadline or you will do a slap-dash job of it and barely squeak in under the wire? It's time to get honest with yourself. Don't think other people haven't noticed.
4. Do what you say you will when you say you will and don't use manipulative tactics to get others to carry through your ideas. If you can't take it on, DON'T. And stop taking on additional projects because you were "needed" on the team. Do things to serve others, not to massage your own ego. And if you are constantly taking on too many things, it's a sign that it is for your own ego.
5. Don't take on a lead position for your ego when you really cannot and should not be taking the lead on something. Know what your limitations are! Be honest with yourself and others. You aren't doing yourself or the group any favors by pushing beyond your limits, by over promising and under delivering. Don't look for glory by being the "self-sacrificing"victim. It's uncomfortable for everyone. At the end of the day, people lose respect for you because you insisted on going beyond what you could reasonably do well. In this case, you are manipulating a group to stroke your own ego and feel needed.
6. If you have a great idea that you think is important for people to get behind, do not ask more of others than you are willing to do yourself. YOUR TIME IS NOT MORE PRECIOUS THAN THEIRS. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. We all have responsibilities, interests, talents, needs, and causes all vying for our money, time, and attention. Don't presume that YOUR cause is THE one everyone else should be climbing on board to carry through. If you aren't willing to take on leadership of the idea/project, don't expect others to do that because YOUR idea is so fantastic, but you just simply don't have time or talent to take on the leadership of it.
7. Be direct. You can present your idea as something good to do, but do not subtly manipulate others to shoulder the bulk of the work if that isn't something you can reasonably do yourself. In this case, it would be more direct to say, "Hey, I have this great idea, but find myself unable to take the lead on it. What do others think? AND MAKE CERTAIN no one feels pressured to do any part of it. Do NOT manipulate through guilt or flattery!
8. Never ever under any circumstance ask someone in a public venue in a subtly manipulative way that they should take the lead. You aren't giving them a choice; you are manipulating them by making it uncomfortable for them to say no.
Finally, if you find yourself in such a situation where you have been voluntold but you really don't have the time or money to do what you've been voluntold to do, be clear about your boundaries. Tell someone directly that you think this is a great idea, but they need to be willing to take the lead in order to make it happen. If they can't do that much, then they are being manipulative, and you have the right to say NO, firmly.
Don't voluntold or mandateer others. If you need help with something you think is a great idea, first be willing to take on the role of leadership for the project. If you cannot do that for whatever reasons, don't guilt and manipulate others into making it happen.
Be honest and direct. If this is an uncomfortable skill for you, and it is for many of us, practice. Keep practicing.
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