TRUE BELONGING
Chapter 2 begins with the concept of true belonging. Before writing this book, Braving the Wilderness, Brene knew belonging was critical, but her understanding of belonging was that it required something external to us. As she dug deeper in her research and writing, it became clear to her that true belonging is not something we achieve or accomplish with others; rather, it is something we carry in our hearts. "Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves," writes Brene', "true belonging is ours."
What, then, does "belonging to ourselves" mean? According to Brene',
"Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone––to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism. And with the world feeling like a political and ideological combat zone, this is remarkably tough. We seem to have forgotten that even when we're utterly alone, we're connected to one another by something greater than group membership, politics, and ideology––that we're connected by love and the human spirit. No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story." (p.32)
However, lest you think this "true belonging" is about a group membership or fitting in with a particular crowd, nothing could be further from Brene's research. "True belonging is not passive. It's not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It's not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it's safer. It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. ...It takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments." (p. 37)
When we truly belong, we first and foremost truly belong to ourselves. As Brene' says, "Don't walk through the world looking for evidence that you don't belong, because you will always find it. Don't walk through the world looking for evidence that you're not enough, because you'll always find it. Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people. We carry those inside of our hearts. I know who I am. I am clear about that. So I am not going to negotiate who I am with you."
To this end, it is absolutely required that we learn how to trust ourselves and trust others. Trust, however, is not just a single thing. Saying "I don't trust you" or "you've broken my trust" is not productive and only sets up a situation for further misunderstanding and hurt, with no reason for either party to have a discussion and reach an understanding.
Brene's research revealed seven elements of trust. She uses the acronym BRAVING for these seven elements, something she originally shared in her book Rising Strong:
B: Boundaries––Be clear about what's okay and what's not okay, and when you're not clear, ask. Be willing to say no.
R: Reliability––do what you say you will do. This means you have to know both your abilities AND your limitations so you don't overpromise. Deliver on your commitments and balance with competing priorities.
A: Accountability––Own up to your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. Be the first to step up. If you feel you are always the one owed an apology, it's often the other way around.
V: Vault––Don't share information or experiences that aren't yours to share. This also means not to talk about others behind their backs, using the information you have about them as "currency" to forge a connection with someone else. This tells others you simply are not trustworthy to safeguard their confidences. As well, often your "information" about others is not entirely factual or even skewed.
I: Integrity––Choose courage over comfort, and what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. Choose to put your values into action rather than simply giving them words.
N: Nonjudgment––I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need, and we can talk about it without judgment or offense.
G: Generosity––Extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others. Always assume positive intent! Ask for help in understanding what was meant, ask for clarification. And be open to hearing another side of the story. Give the benefit of the doubt before launching into anger. Don't instantly jump to conclusions or go to the worst possible scenario. What story are you telling yourself, and is it possible there could be a different explanation entirely? In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. Be careful and generous in the narratives you make up.
Generosity is so vital in today's communications, especially written and online communications, where we do not have all the facts from the git go because it is too easy to read intention/ interpretation into words, and to do so very wrongly. Once we get it into our heads that this sentence means something very negative or even personal, we can't see it any other way. If we cannot open ourselves to Generosity, to suspend judgement and interpretations until we've had the conversation, we can explode a situation that could have been avoided because it's all a simple misunderstanding with a very simple explanation.
For example, in an interview with Brene' by Marie Forleo, Marie says of Generosity, "The other night my parents weren't responding to a particular text, and I made up this entire narrative about what that meant, and later my mother told me, 'Oh, we were just putting away groceries.' I realized that it happened again." They laughed, and Brene' says that we do this all the time. It is human nature that in the absence of data, we will always make up stories. Be careful and generous in the narratives you make up.
Another way we can be less than generous is in our expectations that others be perfect in their BRAVING abilities. We are all human, we fail, we have bad days, make mistakes, and sometimes don't express ourselves well. Each one of us is doing the best that we can with the skill set we have. And yet, still we fail.
The point is, we try. We do our best. And we work on doing better at these seven elements of trust, for they are the foundation of relationships, conversations, good communication, and work situations.
I will end today's part of the review of Brene' Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, with one of my favorite quotes from this chapter:
Brene' writes, "As I often say, I'm an experienced mapmaker, but I can be as much of a lost and stumbling traveler as anyone else."Even Brene' struggles.
This BRAVING acronym is crucial to understanding the rest of the book. We will move on to the next chapter in our next post.
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