In stark contrast to Yom Kippur and the heavy burden of self-assessment we've been under for the past too many weeks, we are now in the beginning stages of a time we call "the season of our joy." Its base comes from the celebration of an abundant fall harvest.
I am not a farmer nor do I have even the slightest green thumb. But I do have quite the bumper crop to celebrate! (And I am not talking about the bumper crop of walnuts which has been pelting our roof all day and night for the past few weeks!)
I am grateful for my bumper crop of friends. No where else I've ever lived have offered me so many different circles and groups of people who are important to me. I have TOPS, Emerson, Ravelry, gaming groups, and a few others, plus, each of these larger groups have several subgroups each--discussion groups, journal group, knitting friends, and too many others to list. Interestingly, none of these larger groups share people. In a Venn diagram, they would all be separate circles!
As I was counting my blessings this morning, it became more and more clear just how many different people and groups I bump into since moving here! It's quite amazing, and I do not take time often enough to count these blessings! Truly, I am blessed!
Of course, we as humans don't always play well together, or see eye to eye. And sometimes, friendships grow distant, change, shift, or perhaps even completely end. Sometimes, this is simply due to natural attrition, and sometimes it is because there are irreconcilable misunderstandings. These shifts are part of the challenge of being humans with different perspectives bumping into other humans with yet different perspectives.
A large part of Brene' Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, addresses this challenge, and I am excited to share from that book over the next few days. Before I get to what she refers to as "Braving Skills" which specifically addresses these issues of bumping into others, I will start where her book begins, and that is firmly in the wilderness.
One of Brene's most steadfast teachers is Maya Angelou. "I was introduced to her work thirty-two years ago when I was studying poetry in college," writes Brene'. "I read her poem 'Still I rise' and everything shifted for me. It contained such power and beauty. I collected every Angelou book, poem, and interview I could find, and her words taught me, pushed me, and healed me, She managed to be both full of joy and unsparing."
However, Brene' goes on to write that there was one quote of Maya's with which she deeply disagreed, and it was in struggling with that quote over the years that she came to understand its meaning. It is that quote which forms the basis of the beginning of this book, Braving the Wilderness. Dr. Angelou's quote which Brene' bumped up against and struggled to understand for years is this one: "You are only free when you realize you belong no place––you belong every place––no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great."
Brene' explains how that quote from Maya actually angered her, because she so deeply believes that belonging is essential, and furthermore, that the need to fit in and the ache of not belonging was one of the most painful threads of her own life. Brene' simply could not accept the notion that "belonging nowhere" was freedom.
Brene' goes on to share deeply of her pain of not belonging, especially not belonging in her own family, because that not belonging is, in her experience, "one of the most dangerous hurts" because "it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth." Furthermore, Brene' contends that when those things break, there are only three outcomes: (1) live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others; (2) deny the pain, and that deal will ensure that you pass it on to those around you and to your children; and (3) find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way. Brene' admits to "trying" the first two, and only through sheer grace did she make her way to the third.
To say I can relate to what Brene' goes on to describe of her experience of this not belonging is a bit of an understatement. She is a maverick in her field, a total outlier. She stands alone in her field. She writes, "I don't belong anywhere. I belong no place. Everywhere I go now, I'm an outsider breaking the rules and talking about things that no one else is talking about. I've got no crew. And it's been this way my whole life. ...It's so hard...I don't feel that I'm on a path that I understand––I can't find anyone else on it." She shared those thoughts with her husband, and he replied, "I know it's hard. And you must feel alone. You're kind of weird––an outlier in a lot of ways. But here's the thing...you will always belong anywhere you show up as yourself and talk about yourself and your work in a real way."
That was Brene's breakthrough moment. At that moment, she understood Maya's quote. It was a moment of feeling that strange dichotomy of being alone but still belonging. It was that moment when she truly understood that Maya's quote expressed that Maya belonged to Maya. Like Maya, Brene' belonged to Brene'. From that point, she developed her Theory of True Belonging,
This gave me so much hope and courage. It IS hard being such an outlier. I have been and will always be one who belongs no place, one who is always an outlier, an outsider breaking all the rules and talking about things no one else is talking about, without a crew.
Tomorrow I will continue my in depth review of Braving the Wilderness. And that's where we will get to the important Braving Skills, essential tools for those of us who have the courage to brave the wilderness.
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