Our Soul Caricature

A caricature, as we all know, is "a picture, description, or imitation of a person in which certain striking characteristics are exaggerated in order to create a comic effect." For example, if a person has large-ish ears, a caricature will exaggerate those ears to larger than life. And we recognize the person because of the exaggeration.

A certain person in residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in Washington, DC is usually caricatured with exaggerated and bright orange comb overs and an ugly facial scowl, because the hair and scowl are the two facial features most notable and recognizable in actual photos.

Recently, I received an email from a Rabbi who is a parent. She described being presented with an "autobiography" by her kindergarten child. At that age, of course, it was only drawings. Drawings of favorite foods, toys, activities, siblings, friends, and of course, the family portrait. The Rabbi mom was shocked to note that while all the other family members were drawn with large smiles, she was the only one in the family drawing with a wide open mouth and no smile. When asked why, her 5 year old didn't miss a beat when he explained it was because she was the one in the family who was always yelling.

As the lead shepherd of her family flock, she was, indeed, the one always making sure everyone ate healthfully, brushed their teeth, did their homework, went to bed on time, and in essence, stuck to the routine. She was the one preventing chaos and anarchy from taking over their family. But her heart sank at the picture of everyone else smiling and she being the one yelling.

For a week she worked on changing that behavior, and did much less "advising" of what everyone ought to be doing and began to let the sibling rivalries settle of their own accord without her intervention, and instead of raising her voice to get chores done, simply asked for things to be accomplished in a calm manner. And to her surprise, it worked. Her family did not dissolve into chaos and anarchy, and didn't need her yelling to make things happen. For her, it was lesson learned.

As we face Shabbat Shuvah tonight, the last Shabbat prior to Yom Kippur and our final opportunity to do our last bit of "cleaning up our act" prior to Yom Kippur, this Rabbi offered this advice to her readers:

"Want to know how the world sees you? Want to understand which part of your soul needs mending? Ask someone you trust; someone you love to draw your picture. It’s not enough to look in the mirror. Our reflection is misleading. Let your loved one’s sketch be your guide for change."

It's not easy to hear the truth about ourselves through someone else's eyes. We want to reject it. We claim they just don't understand or see the whole picture. But what a trusted friend DOES see could give us very valuable information, feedback which we should not dismiss as being the misguided, misinformed rant of betrayal or misunderstanding.

Just like a caricature will pick one real feature which stands out from the rest and exaggerate it just a bit, it doesn't mean there really aren't big ears or a constant scowl or a bright orange comb over. Sometimes, that truth from someone we love and trust is exactly the very feature we need to focus on as we look to change ourselves a bit in the coming year.

It's easy for me to pick out those things I see as needing to be changed; it's not nearly as easy to hear someone I love tell me how I present myself to them, and how I might need to work on something else I don't even see when I look in that mirror.

What might someone you love say about you? Dare you trust another enough to ask the question and then calmly listen to the answer? Do you even have someone in your life you trust that much? If not, why not? There is a reason, and that could be the very thing which calls you to teshuvah this year.

Or maybe, in this past year, has there been one person who knows you more deeply than most who might have tried to be kind in reflecting something important for you to hear, but you rejected them because you refused to face that mirror you weren't prepared to look into or didn't want to see?

How would your soul caricature be drawn? Are you the family herder? The Debbie Downer with the million reasons why something can't or shouldn't be done? The Negative Nelly for whom nothing ever goes right? The too busy scatter brain? The one who always has to be right or get her way? The always late to everything person? The Town Gossip? The person for whom everyone walks on eggshells? The person who always challenges others? The one whose spiritual life has depth but whose annoyance tolerance and anger management leaves a lot to be desired?

In reality, we might be surprised at behaviors we think we are getting by with, but everyone else clearly sees. My grandfather, for example, cheated at cards. Everyone knew it, but let him get by with it, because they felt sorry for a man who thought he was getting away with cheating, who needed to cheat at family cards just to feel like a winner or massage his ego.

This Shabbat, may we all be willing to be as gracious in receiving a truth about ourselves like this Rabbi mom was able to do. She didn't want to go through life being perceived as the family "yeller." So she began to change her interactions with her family. It wasn't the truth she wanted to hear, nor was it the thing she wanted to work on for Shabbat Shuvah. It was, though, the deeper work of her heart and soul repair to which she was called to face.

Teshuvah is not about a complete overhaul and 180 degree change, as we recently discussed in a previous Rambling. It's also not always about what we think are the "big issues" of our lives. Sometimes, it is hearing that one tiny truth we cannot see when we look in that mirror, and then sitting with it, letting it inform our actions going forward.

As mentioned yesterday, we can't undo the past, but we can let the facts from the past inform how we respond today. Do you have the courage to ask someone to "draw" your soul caricature?