Thinking disease

                                           

This week's Torah portion is Ki Teitzei (pronounced key tate-zay). Cantor Elizabeth Sacks describes this portion as, "A litany of laws. A multitude of mitzvot. According to the sage Maimonides, Ki Teitzei contains 72 of the 613 commandments in the Torah — the most commandments in any one Torah portion." In case anyone is interested in knowing, this is 11% of the Torah commandments in one brief Torah portion! Ki Teitzei literally means "when you go out to do battle."

Our portion this weeks begs us to look at ourselves when we go out to do battle.... whom are we battling, how, and why?

As you recall, we were most recently discussing the Cities of Refuge, and how they were designated to protect the one who innocently and unintentionally harmed another, even to the point of their death. This is definitely a case of values-based ethics, of offering protection to the one who inadvertently caused great harm. While blood relatives might choose to seek revenge on the one who caused their kin's death, Torah provides an ethical option to protect the one who accidentally committed manslaughter, but also made that protection a bit of a challenge to the person seeking refuge.

You might also recall that in part 2 of that previous discussion, we explored the similarities between the desert sanctuary, the mishkan, and the cities of refuge. While the mishkan experience is detailed in a different part of our Torah, I think it has much to teach us, especially in light of this week's "litany of laws and multitude of mitzvot."

For this discussion, I turn to a different portion which appears in early spring, and one about which I have written in the past, the Torah portion known as "Metzora," which means "being diseased." I think it has some profound insights for us after our discussion of the Cities of Refuge, and as we look at going out to do battle.

Metzora details a purification ritual to cleanse people afflicted with skin diseases (and also houses afflicted with impurities, similar to black mold or even insect infestations in our modern times). Both human skin diseases and mold and other infestations affecting the walls of their homes in ancient times were fear-causing, because their origin and how to treat them were unknown.

This concept of pure and impure, of absolute purity being godly, was a major concern in the mitzvot, and in Metzora, people afflicted with skin diseases were put outside the camp and not allowed to return to the community until a priest pronounced them clean. This is almost a worse situation than the cities of refuge, and, as you can imagine, a very difficult situation for ancient peoples to go through.

Similar to having to flee to a city of refuge, people with skin diseases were so feared that they were basically shunned and cast out of the community for a protracted time. We aren't told how they survived outside of camp. Provisions do not seem to be detailed for them the way it was for those who fled to the cities of refuge. Outside of the camp, similar to being outside the fence in military installations, is not safe. It is dangerous and unprotected, and there is no way to find provisions and have basic needs taken care of. Anything could happen in the unprotected wilderness.

On the surface-- that level of Torah seen literally as little more than laws and commandments-- this seems rather harsh. Even when we look at is as a teaching narrative, this kind of communal shunning seems too strict to our modern sensibilities, where we now have hospitals and ways to isolate contagious diseases and powerful antibiotics and pills to fight infections and levels of hygiene that were not possible in ancient times. So it is a challenge to understand what seems like a lack of compassion to the point of putting people outside of camp for the slightest hint of an unexplainable skin disease, to blame them so harshly for something clearly outside of their control.

Some sages in the past have used a kind of word play in an attempt to make sense of this situation, likening the one afflicted with metzora, skin disease, to "motzi shem ra" (one who slanders or brings out a bad name). It was well known even back then that the negative and damaging act of slander can spread through a community (or a country) like wildfire and be nearly impossible to clean up. It can kill people's spirit and souls. In our day, think of fear mongering and fake news. These are definitely acts of "motzi shem ra", and to spread such things is as negative and damaging as anything. It is like invisible germ warfare. By way of this use of word play, the Rabbis were able to conclude that this skin disease issue was caused by spreading gossip and bad speech.

If we continue with this play on the Hebrew words, we can even extend it further, from "metzora" (skin disease) to "motzi shem ra" (one who slanders or brings out a bad name), and even further to "motzei sham ra" (finding there the bad).

In other words, the modern metzora (one who has a skin disease) actually has nothing to do with skin disease and everything to do with thinking disease. Even beyond just negative speech, the modern metzora is a person who encounters the people, places, and situations in their life with a perspective that is mostly negative, a view of things as undesirable, unsatisfactory, problematic. Everything is a problem, or wrong; everyone else is at fault, never them; and there is very little for them to be happy about. And perhaps the worst part of this is that usually they can't even see this in themselves, or if they do, they still point the fingers of blame to this person or that situation. If only everyone else would change or other people would own up to their problems.

In other words, every day they are going out to do battle, and they think they are battling with everyone and everything "out there", when the real battle is the one inside our own minds.

There is a saying among some good people I know, that, if you come across three jerks in a day, guess who the real jerk is?

Rabbi Henry Glazer writes, "To see life through the lens of unrelenting dissatisfaction and suffering is to create a terribly painful situation of social distance, cutting oneself off from the orbit of human interaction and experience. Like the Biblical metzora––'leper'––the contemporary complainer finds [one]self isolated, even quarantined. Such constant unhappiness and ingratitude also suggests an attitude of thanklessness... finding fault rather than favor with the world around him [or her]." This is seeing curses rather than blessings. This is going out to do battle with the world.

This kind of modern day "leper" is filled with negativity and curses. They have no problem pointing their fingers of blame, of giving someone who makes the slightest mistake or offense a piece of their mind. They fail to find compassion for others who may be having a bad day or who might even inadvertently make a tiny mistake. There is no room in their thinking for such things. They are right and the world and others are just all wrong. They are at battle.

Sadly, I know, and have known, several of these kind of modern day "lepers," and they cannot even see it in themselves. A few of them even consider themselves to be highly spiritual and prayerful. They simply are not willing to see their dissatisfaction which poisons them to the point that they are infecting those around them, pushing people away and not understanding why they often feel so isolated, why there is a deep level of sadness that never resolves and always comes back, which they block out by numbing themselves to it, any way they can. The blame it on a circumstance which they choose to stay in rather than doing what it takes to change their situation. Seeing nothing but problems around them, unwilling to make choices and enact viable solutions because there are tiny imperfections in doing things differently that are unacceptable, or perhaps doing something different requires far more energy than the willingness to put into it. And so, stuck, and they slowly begin infecting the world around them. The black mold grows behind the walls, and they can't see it.

But this isn't just about the invisible "they." While I do and have known many people like this, I admit, I went through a really negative period in my own life like this a few years ago, and I had to work very, very intentionally to come out of that fog of negativity and living in the curses and not the blessings. I was doing battle with myself and pushing people away. My misery was making others miserable just to be around me. I definitely had metzora, leprous thinking disease. It was triggered by opening a Pandora's box of memories which, in retrospect, I wish I had never opened, but, once opened, it unleashed things that took much effort and far more time to come out of than I would've liked. It nearly destroyed me, as well as a few relationships.

While it still occasionally sings its siren song, the good news is that my proactive steps then and now allow me to catch myself more quickly these days. I no longer live every day as a battle to be fought. My mind is my friend rather than my frenemy.

That being said, I am afraid that a few weeks ago my proactive steps to get out of letting the negativity take over were misunderstood by someone who, over the next two weeks, began cutting off more and more communication with me. I'm not sure how the misunderstanding happened, nor even what it is, because I did my best at being careful and kind. But some kind of misunderstanding happened, and I cannot rectify what remains unknown, and now firmly locked behind walls I cannot breach and fences I cannot mend.

The point is, there is a way out of this leprous thinking disease. The antidote to constant complaining is actively working towards enlarging one's capacity to uncover, discover, and recover the good, the blessing. There are many ways to do this, but it is crucial to get at the deeper root level, and not just slap on a band aid of "positive affirmations" or listening to "positive motivation" tapes, reading books about or trying to talk oneself into "being happy," or even setting aside one day a week to "feel joy" while being a miserable influence to others (or even just some others) the rest of the week, upset and complaining about every tiny little thing. It is one thing to vent, to share fears, but another to cross the line into toxic negativity. It is not enough just to pray and become more mindful, although these are part of the solution. But only part.  These things are like putting cosmetics over skin blemishes or a band-aid over open heart surgery. The root problem is still there.

To change permanently and deeply, we must get to the root. I know this, because I did this, and I still do a maintenance program. I still find myself getting a bit off track from time to time, but I have some very practical solutions for getting out of the negativity and returning to living in gratitude, positivity, and blessings, not just one day a week, but every day.

While this week's portion is all about the laws and commands, we can focus on how this portion speaks to us about going out to do battle, about blessings and curses, and how to find ways where we can live in the blessings and actually BE as a blessing to those around us. Let's stop going out to do battle with others and the world around us, and look instead in the mirror and take a look at what we find.

If we are always finding others at fault for our upsets and misunderstandings, perhaps it's time to rethink and take another look. Perhaps we are often more negative than we think we are, but cannot or refuse to see it. Have we been applying cosmetics to cover our blemishes, or are we willing to take a deeper look? We can choose to find blessing and be a channel of blessing, or we can choose to put ourselves outside of camp and remain isolated in our finger pointing and negativity. The choice is ours, every day.

As the saying goes, we can be right, or we can be happy. We can't always be both. I've been stuck in "being right," and it wasn't a positive place to be. Making a point and placing blame on others might feel justified, just as blood revenge for the manslaughter-er felt justified. Even Torah said to build cities of refuge, to provide a way for compassion and forgiveness.

Perhaps today is the day we begin to look in the mirror and look for signs of metzora, "motzei sham ra" (finding there the bad), aka leprous thinking disease. If we find it, there is a cure.

It is Elul, and this is part of our critical soul work.