Not by bread alone, part 2

Yesterday we started talking about the well known aphorism, "not by bread alone." I think the bottom line takeaway about yesterday's ramble is that this phrase is about accepting life on life's terms, and understanding what it means to be more dependent than we'd like to be on people and situations over which we have no control.

Let's pick up today with this notion about being dependent on having other people in our lives-- real, present, flesh and blood people....


A recent study by university researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad concludes, “Those with weaker social relationships had a greater risk of death than people who were physically inactive or obese. Let me put that another way. Spending time building and nurturing your friendships might be just as important to your health as eating right and exercising.”

We are meant to be in relationship with others. We are wired to care deeply about others, and to have that care returned to us. We are not wired, the vast majority of us, to be hermits living in isolation. We need at least one equal in our life whom we can love and who loves us, unconditionally. When that doesn't happen, it not only brings a lot of bad things, it even puts us at a grater risk for a shorter life, much less a life which lacks nurturance and isn't fulfilling.

(Note that I am not judging hermits; they do have their calling and their place in this world. My note is only that they are far and few in between and have special abilities for living that kind of a life. The eremitical life doesn't mean no friendships. Perhaps their capacity to bond is even deeper than the rest of us. Usually, hermits have carefully considered and chosen that life, not become isolated by default or bad circumstances.)

A few verses later in our Torah portion, we read a passage which speaks to this need to be in relationships more directly. However, this passage is usually misunderstood to be about a system of rewards and punishments set up by G!d for our obedience or disobedience to the rules. That is not in fact what it is saying.

If we follow the commandments, the verse seems to say, then there will be rain and the land will produce an abundance of food. If instead we turn away from the commandments and worship others as gods, we will experience devastating repercussions due to insufficient rain and food production--so the verses seem to say.

However, this part of our Torah portion has a critical AND statement that is usually overlooked. The passage really says this: that if we follow the commandments AND if there is rain and the land produces food, (in other words, if our lives are going well), THEN we need to be careful not to become enamored with a sense of power and control and the ability to manipulate outcomes by our own powers. When we do that, when we ascribe to ourselves complete control over the ability to live well and prosper, we create the conditions leading to isolation. We begin to lose other people because we naively think we do not need them. We delude ourselves into believing a false sense of self-sufficiency, or some shaky sense of "community" via social media of people who cannot actually be there for us in real life. In these ways, we create the conditions for deep loneliness.

Social media simply cannot fill this deep need for others. While it can create connections, it is a different kind of connection which we too easily confuse with this deeper need for others.

While physical sustenance may be necessary for us to survive, it is insufficient for us to thrive. We need more. "Not by bread alone" is speaking directly about this je ne sais quoi of life, this something more we can't quite describe in words or bring about via social media. Social media has its use, for sure, but it simply cannot fulfill this deeper need, this wiring for another at this level, this "other bread" that nurtures us at a different level. It might be superficially supportive, and it might lead to a few connections, but it can never replace this "other bread" which sustains us.

When we view this verse in its usual interpretation, that we need some sort of spiritual dimension in our lives, it is too nebulous. Spirituality is vague, and is often equated with church membership or a certain religion. My rambling here is to show that "not by bread alone" means something much deeper than a superficial consideration gives it. We need food to sustain us, for sure, and we also need relationships. We are wired for them.

Do you have another person in your life with whom you can completely be yourself without judgement? Do you make the time to nurture your valued friendships? Are you substituting a qualitatively deeper friendship with time spent on social media, believing that social media is equally supportive and nurturing? If you aren't in a primary relationship which has this je ne sais quoi, how are you finding it through other positive, nurturing friendships? If circumstances have pushed you deeper into isolation, what are some steps you can take to really connect with others?

The more superficial our society becomes, the more we risk our soul development. Just as we have poisoned our water and food supplies by using toxins that were cheap, easy and convenient to use for bigger crop yields, so we are poisoning our own souls by substituting the cheap, easy, and convenient social media to replace life-nurturing deeper connections. Social media is mindless and easy. Too easy. The "connections" we make through social media are good to a point, but only to a point.

At the end of the day, let's start choosing to put down the phones and tablets a few hours a week and go out and mingle with others in real life. Start small.

I'm choosing to participate in some discussion groups at the library, take a painting class, be with my weekly Wednesday group when I can, make sure I get to my once a month Shanghai Rummy silliness, and take a chair exercise class. It's not as easy to get out and do these things as social media, but it's important. As university researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad concluded, our lives actually depend on us having real friendships, not just superficial social media connections.

What will you be doing this week to nurture your soul with real people?