A Perfect Shabbat, and Forgiveness

Yesterday had to be one of the most relaxing and enjoyable Shabbats I've had in a very long time! The weather was perfect. We sat for hours out on our deck enjoying the delightful breezes and a delicious lunch, then I read some of our Story Time book while my wonderful wife knit a little. The dogs were with us out on the deck, and miraculously quiet, and the sky was gorgeous.

Later, when we were back inside, we made our dinner together. We laughed at our mess making. While she dropped flour all over the stove and floor, I was busily dripping marinara sauce all over the island and floor! We laughed. It was an easy cleanup, and a very delicious meal. I can't imagine not having this kind of partnership which brings so much joy into my life!

More relaxing, knitting, reading, listening to music, watching TV, together, enjoying each other's company. Really, it just doesn't get any better than that. A perfect day!

One week from today we begin our final Jewish month of the year, Elul, and it is the month when we prepare for our High Holy Days which follow. Elul is known as our month of forgiveness, introspection, and tikkun olam v'tikkun hanefesh (repair of the world and repair of our soul).

I think it is important to note, though, that the Jewish understanding and experience of forgiveness is different from the understanding of forgiveness from other faith tradition perspectives.

In some traditions, forgiveness is something entirely between the individual and G!d. Jesus plays a big role here, too, for Christians. Basically, though, forgiveness begins when an individual turns to G!d and repents and asks to be forgiven. This entire conversation is between the individual and G!d. Roman Catholics add in the element of confession to a priest and absolution.

The Jewish tradition, on the other hand, is very clear: that G!d can only forgive things the individual has done which have offended G!d. If I do something which harms another person, G!d cannot forgive me of that; only that other person can forgive me. I must go to the person or people I have harmed or offended, ask the person(s) to forgive me, make amends and restitution and have the desire to do better going forward, and only then, I am forgiven. If the person withholds forgiveness, I must reach out three times. After a third denial, if I have done my best at making things right, only then can I let it go.

The difference here, it seems to me, is that I cannot become oblivious to even the small inconsiderate things I do, even if inadvertently, or something I've done with the best intentions had some not so good results.

Personally, I think this is a very important difference. In fact, I am in a couple of situations at the moment where people are unaware that they have been inconsiderate, because their intentions were good. They were trying to show they care, but in so doing, their inconsideration has caused issues for others involved. Both of these situations have impacted me directly.

In one situation, I am now having to help cover expenses incurred due to the lack of consideration on the part of someone who thought they were doing the right thing, without helping to offset any costs involved to another person who can ill afford the extra expense. While not flush with cash myself, I know that I am in a better position than the person who has been most affected by this decision. The originator of the project had the best of intentions, but did not take the time to think it through or run it past me before forging ahead. And I don't know how to point this out to the person who is oblivious without causing a big issue between us. And I don't want that, either. Yet, Elul asks me to communicate directly, and I just don't even know how to approach this situation. Perhaps I will figure it out by the end of Elul.

In another situation, I am simply baffled by the responses (and lack thereof), and have tried to make things right several times, but nothing has helped. At the end of the day, sadly, it seems that there is nothing I can do to make things right here. It is likely there is something I am missing, but I can't know what it is when the other person has simply stonewalled me for 3 weeks and finally closed off all communication altogether. If I have done wrong, I sincerely have no idea what, and cannot know without communication. After having done my best to make things right, the only thing I can do here is simply move on, especially since I have no idea what I even did wrong in the first place, if I actually did. I have no idea.

The point is, from the Jewish point of view, taking a step back and reviewing the situation to see where I might have been inconsiderate despite my best intentions, and taking responsibility for that, then going directly to the person and trying to make it right are how we seek forgiveness when the issue is between me and another person. I cannot simply shrug things off, ask G!d to forgive me, and go about my merry way. Judaism simply does not allow for that. It can never be me or G!d forgiving myself for wrong-doing to another, or even holding grievances against someone else; I must look carefully for those blind spots, communicate directly, and be open to the discussion. In the Jewish perspective, that is the only way to gain forgiveness when it involves another person.

Elul, which begins next Saturday night, calls me again to this work, to look and look again, honestly assessing where even my best intentions might have been awry even in a small inconsiderate way I didn't foresee.

Judaism is definitely a tradition based on relationships. Elul is the time we set aside to review these relationships even more than usual, and do our best to repair these bridges to our souls. Others are important. Judaism is not a faith tradition based on a simple set of beliefs; rather, it is how we behave and interact with others and the world in which we live. And Elul, not for the faint of heart, calls us to carefully consider that!


Finally, please know that I am really enjoying your wonderful responses, and I love getting questions, too! Thank you!