In Part 2 we looked at shoring up our own inner strength, reaching outside of ourselves, and beginning to work on developing better friendship skills by taking a hard look at what we are doing in our friendships.
Why is it important that we learn to stop giving advice and start giving support? I will answer by way of example.
Recently, I was very lost on the inside. Nothing was making sense and little held any meaning. I had a hard time finding words, and felt I had no one to whom I could turn, because what I needed was just a listening ear. Not everyone has that skill. I was in very rough terrain.
Finally, I opened up and trusted a very long time and dear friend, someone whom I have known for two decades. She listened. She is highly skilled at listening. She never gives advice unless I ask. Often, she can hear me and make sense of what I am saying even when it doesn't make sense to me.
She wrote back with such kindness. Essentially, what she did was hold out a map. She didn’t tell me where I "should" be headed or what road I ought to take or by what means of transportation, nor even that I needed to get moving along. She simply held out a map and said, “It sounds like you are here”. And she was right.
From
that supportive communication, I could assess what direction I wanted to proceed, if any, and
what and who I needed in order to proceed, or if I even needed to do anything just yet.
Yes, everyone should be so lucky to have such a friend. We can, if we learn to develop some of the skills we began exploring in the previous post. This is an area I need to keep working on as well.
Is there more can we do to find our way out of our stuck places? Yes. Let's take a look....
4. Positivity is critical! No one likes a Debby Downer. Looking for and embracing the positive in the very middle of our lostness is crucial. Gratitude will get us through. Mumbling and grumbling and kvetching and bitching and moaning and groaning to everyone within earshot will not make us feel better, nor will it make anyone around us feel kindly towards us.
Being positive is not to say that we should never complain or vent. But if we need to vent, we must always do it carefully, controlled, and contained. Not to everyone, but to one or two people whom we know are actually capable of listening well and able to support us without the judgement which fuels the need to "fix" or change another person with our advice. Griping to everyone is not venting; having one or two trusted sounding boards is a different matter. And we must balance our venting by finding the positive, finding something for which to be grateful despite the pain and loss and darkness and mess.
5. Finally, we must pray. We don’t pray for a solution, because in doing that, we are still focusing on the problem. We don't pray for what we think will fix the situation, as we don't know all the facts. We don’t pray for someone else to rescue us. We don’t even pray for a friend. We must be very, very careful what we ask for, because despite thinking otherwise, we really never know what is in our best interests (much less what is in some other person's best interest). We often think we do, but we are usually wrong.
So what do we pray for? We pray to grow and change and become what we think we most need. We pray (and take steps) to learn how to BE a good friend, the kind we need at these times in our lives. We pray to find someone we can encourage and offer a smile to. We pray for someone’s burden to be relieved. We pray to be the change. And then we act as if. We take our eyes off of ourselves and our troubles, and we work towards encouraging someone else.
When we pray for others, amazing things happen. When we pray, we send kindness and love and compassion out to others. What we send out, returns to us. If we only think of or send to ourselves, we remain closed and self-centered. Our emotional and spiritual aspects remain stunted.
We are a good friend when we ARE to others what we want for ourselves, when we GIVE to others what we want others to give us when we need support.
If the others in your life cannot do this, perhaps it is time to expand your horizons. Don't look for others out of your neediness; find others by being the very kind of friend you most want in your own life. Like attracts like.
Being positive is not to say that we should never complain or vent. But if we need to vent, we must always do it carefully, controlled, and contained. Not to everyone, but to one or two people whom we know are actually capable of listening well and able to support us without the judgement which fuels the need to "fix" or change another person with our advice. Griping to everyone is not venting; having one or two trusted sounding boards is a different matter. And we must balance our venting by finding the positive, finding something for which to be grateful despite the pain and loss and darkness and mess.
5. Finally, we must pray. We don’t pray for a solution, because in doing that, we are still focusing on the problem. We don't pray for what we think will fix the situation, as we don't know all the facts. We don’t pray for someone else to rescue us. We don’t even pray for a friend. We must be very, very careful what we ask for, because despite thinking otherwise, we really never know what is in our best interests (much less what is in some other person's best interest). We often think we do, but we are usually wrong.
So what do we pray for? We pray to grow and change and become what we think we most need. We pray (and take steps) to learn how to BE a good friend, the kind we need at these times in our lives. We pray to find someone we can encourage and offer a smile to. We pray for someone’s burden to be relieved. We pray to be the change. And then we act as if. We take our eyes off of ourselves and our troubles, and we work towards encouraging someone else.
When we pray for others, amazing things happen. When we pray, we send kindness and love and compassion out to others. What we send out, returns to us. If we only think of or send to ourselves, we remain closed and self-centered. Our emotional and spiritual aspects remain stunted.
We are a good friend when we ARE to others what we want for ourselves, when we GIVE to others what we want others to give us when we need support.
If the others in your life cannot do this, perhaps it is time to expand your horizons. Don't look for others out of your neediness; find others by being the very kind of friend you most want in your own life. Like attracts like.
What if you have no best friend to support you? Then be your own best
friend, and do your best to support and encourage others even though it
often isn't returned. I know for a fact, this works.
In closing this multi-part series, we find our way through the wilderness by not doing to others what we dislike being done to us, and by being the kind support for others that we most need and want others to be for us.
Kindness and compassion to others often holds the map that can lead us out of our own wilderness. Kindness and compassion to others are the keys that unlock doors and treasure chests. Kindness and compassion to others will free us from the self-centeredness we cannot even see in ourselves.
These are the ways I know to slowly but surely find our way through the quagmire of wilderness. At least, they have helped me.
How do you find your way?
In closing this multi-part series, we find our way through the wilderness by not doing to others what we dislike being done to us, and by being the kind support for others that we most need and want others to be for us.
Kindness and compassion to others often holds the map that can lead us out of our own wilderness. Kindness and compassion to others are the keys that unlock doors and treasure chests. Kindness and compassion to others will free us from the self-centeredness we cannot even see in ourselves.
These are the ways I know to slowly but surely find our way through the quagmire of wilderness. At least, they have helped me.
How do you find your way?
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