FINDING OUR WAY, part 2

We ended Part 1 by asking, When we are lost or stuck or alone, how do we find our way? How many times do we pass that same control tower at the airport before we realize we are so terribly lost and yet can’t find anyone with a map or a compass or a lantern, or even just a hand to hold who will accompany us through the unmapped territory? How do we find our way?

Let's explore.....

1. Shoring up our own inner strength is the first thing we must do. We cannot be so dependent as to always look for external support, strength and validation. People mean well, but we are all human and we fail. We let people down. We have our own busy lives and other things to do. Or perhaps we don’t always have the skill set to reach out and be a good friend, even if our heart is in the right place. Or we aren't good at prioritizing endearing friendships over other activities that might feel important personally, but won't be there for us when we need a real friend. We only have genuine friends when we can be a genuine friend. And some people just aren't capable of being a genuine friend.

So it is important to develop our own inner strength, and one way to do this is to BE the same kind of friend we most need in our lives. This will always help us move forward, even if we don't find that kind of friend. At least we can be our own best friend. Believe me, this works!

What are you missing or what would you/do you like in a friendship? Then BE that kind of friend back. One-way friendships will not carry us through the rough times. 

2. We must reach outside of ourselves.  If we need help and support for ourselves, the answer might seem counterintuitive, but it is important that we find ways to be helpful and supportive of others. This will keep us moving ahead. If we become so focused on our own needs and challenges, if we look only at our own life and stop looking for ways to be of service to others, we will only fall into the quicksand of stuckness.

Being helpful and supportive of others isn't mean fixing others or telling them what they should be doing. This is not support.  Instead, we ask how we can support, encourage, or be of help to others. "I'm sorry you're going through that" are good words to say, followed by "How can I support you?What can I do to help?" and then listening to the reply. This is being a good friend and a great skill to develop. If we only say the first part but never ask the second part, we might need to look at that.

The caution here is to only do this if we are willing to follow through or do our best trying, or be up front if we can’t support or encourage our friends the way they ask.

3. Develop better friendship skills. We might think that developing better friendship skills isn't what will help us find our way through when we are in need of friendship and support, right? However, since it is being a good friend, the kind of friend we most want, is important, there is no better time to work on ourselves.

In offering to support others, we need to be careful to learn the difference between being supportive and the myriad subtle andnot so subtle ways we have of trying to fix others with our unsolicited advice. Sometimes, all the other person needs is to vent, and for us to be a sounding board, not to jump in and offer advice. This is a vital friendship skill, but it's hard to hone.

To develop this skill, we might need to ask ourselves: Why do I need to tell this other person what to do rather than loving and supporting them as they find their own way through (even though I think I know a better solution for them)? Why must others follow my advice rather than have their own experiences? Do I always know what experiences others need to go through to learn what they need to learn on their path? And what if they don't take my advice...how will I feel? Angry? Frustrated? If we want to hone our friendship skills, these are very important questions to look at with great honesty.

Isn't it enough to be good people who have good intentions? Not if you seriously want to learn to be a good friend.

Another skill to develop is the art of giving as much support as you take from others. Often, we find that the people we trust expect our support, but rarely return it. Some people seem to be blind to this inequity. They aren’t arrogant, and don’t mean to be self-centered; they are simply blind to their inability to give back what others give to them. They simply seem incapable of being supportive but all too ready to want to change or fix us.

If we are honest, we know that we are all blind and deaf to our own issues much of the time. Perhaps taking an honest look at this is a step in the right direction to becoming a good friend. We must be able to give what we want a good friend to give us.

Bottom line, all of this reminds us to be sure and look at ourselves first.  “Do I ask for or expect support more than I ask others how I can support and encourage them?”  It is easy to think we’ve done more of this being a supportive friend to others than we actually have, especially if we have never directly asked the other person(s) how we can support and encourage them, and then act on that answer rather than forging ahead with what we think they need.

The point is, in order to keep moving forward, we must make certain that we are BEING the kind of supportive friend we wish others were for us.


There are more points to cover, so this will be continued in our next post....