Lessons from T'Shuvah: Turning, Apologizing, Making Amends

The time of t'shuvah is drawing to a close as we perch at the entrance of the final 25 hour stretch this evening, the Day of Atonement. The time for apologies is over, the gate is closing,  and we pray we have done the work as well as we could have.

This year, for me, the past 39 days have been filled with more apologies and attempts at making amends than I have ever done in my life in that short of a time frame. Certainly with more depth and honesty, as well. This has not been an easy 40 days' journey. I have never known this depth of repentance, making amends, apologizing, and trying to do sincere and genuine t'shuvah.

During this time, I have learned a lot about apologies, both those I have given and those from quite a few people in my life who have offered them to me. I listened with different ears this year. And what I know now that I hadn't thought about as much previously, is that there are "true" apologies, and there are less than true apologies.

A true apology never contains the word, "but." As in, "I'm sorry I blah blah blah, BUT ....."  Not a real apology at all. The word "but" cancels out everything that precedes it.

A true apology never contains the word, "if." "I'm sorry IF you took what I said as offensive." "I'm sorry IF you were hurt by my actions." "I'm sorry IF my comment hurt your feelings." The "if" word hedges any ownership and casts doubt that you should even have a reason to apologize.

A true apology will not contain the word, "you" directly after the word "sorry," unless one is saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you" or something similar. The formula, "I'm sorry I (verb) you" is a true apology. That's acceptable.

However, notice how the apology shifts when the formula changes to, "I'm sorry YOU... ": "I'm sorry you think that" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that's what you thought I said." Hear the shift? None of those are deep, honest, taking ownership kinds of apologies. They are placating statements, designed to make the other person think you are apologizing. People word an apology this way because they think they are saying "I'm sorry" and the other person will hear "I'm sorry." However, like the "but" that follows "I'm sorry" cancels out the "I'm sorry," so does an "I'm sorry YOU (verb)...". Not a true apology at all!

What about if someone says,  "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I said at the meeting yesterday"? Doesn't that have the ring of a true apology? NO. What should one say for a true apology in a case like that? "I'm sorry what I said at the meeting yesterday hurt you. It was thoughtless, insensitive, and unkind." That's a true apology.

Notice the difference between, "I'm sorry you were hurt by..." and "I'm sorry what I said hurt you." The first one takes no ownership; it is a subterfuge. The second one OWNS that they said something hurtful. Period. The first one dances around it and never takes ownership for saying something hurtful.

What makes a true apology? OWNING your part, and saying it directly and honestly, without justifying, blaming, or couching it. If it's not all your fault, then a simple, "I'm sorry for my part in this" might be a genuine response. And in the spirit of the aphorism, "let your yea be yea and your nay be nay," perhaps the best apology of all is a simple, "I'm sorry. How can I make this right?"

A true apology is backed by actions. Do what must be done to change. Don't keep repeating the behavior that caused the issue. Think before speaking. Count to ten before responding with anger.

And sometimes, an apology, even backed by changed behavior, is simply not enough to restore broken trust.

What then, when someone has been hurt by your words, yet you don't believe you've said anything for which to apologize? You were truthful. You were just being you. Maybe you take a more hard line approach and think people are too sensitive and need to just grow up and deal with reality, and if they can't deal with the hard line approach, then you don't have room for them in your life. You feel no need to learn to rephrase things in a kinder way, nor have the time or interest in doing so, and your intentions are for their best anyway. They just need to buck up.

This is a trickier situation. One might wonder, isn't this walking on eggshells? Isn't this a bit dysfunctional, trying to be so careful about other people's perceptions? You can't be responsible for how other people take things!

While I am not the expert here, I can say that being calm yet factual and staying more to the kind side of the fence will go a lot further in most interactions. There are certainly times when the hard line approach is not only appropriate, it is even life saving. For most interactions, the hard line approach could end up pushing away those who might mean a lot to us. If one is willing to take that risk, then by all means, that is one's choice to make.

I was interacting with someone just the other day I know from a nonprofit group with which I work, and she couldn't even see how much she was trying to control a certain situation. And another person who is falling deeper and deeper into a very entrenched passive-aggressive drama queen role, driving everyone else further and further away from her, while she takes ownership of nothing. Each of these people have held up a mirror, where I have clearly seen parts of myself that need improvement. T'shuvah. Tikkun hanefesh. Repair of my soul. Inner work. Turning.

I am working hard at learning to say things like, "I would encourage you to look at...", "I wonder if...", "Have you thought about...", "How can I help you get through this?", "Will this further or hinder your future goals?", or even, if it's someone about whom I really care, "Help me understand why you think this is a good action/decision. Perhaps I can see it better from a different perspective, or you can fill in some important facts I might be missing."


I've learned some very hard lessons this t'shuvah. Some came at a price too high to pay, and which I will regret for the rest of my life. That kind of pain does not resolve easily. Sometimes, things are irreparable, or the pain goes too deep.

Because of this t'shuvah work, I am making the choice to take the time necessary to learn/relearn certain important skills, even when this means taking time away from something that is very important to me. I'm asking myself questions I should've asked months ago, and I am very unsure of the answers. I'm listening far far more and talking much much less. I'm learning to need to express fewer opinions about things that aren't critically important. I'm praying the serenity prayer often, and with gusto!

As I shared with some friends about two weeks ago, my version of the Serenity Prayer goes something like this: Grant me the serenity to accept the people and situations I can't change and to remember that this is not my circus and these are not my monkeys, the courage to change the only thing I can which is me, and the WISDOM to keep my mouth shut!

If I do these things, maybe next year's t'shuvah won't be so challenging. One can only hope.

May this Yom Kippur and the 40 days of t'shuvah which has preceded it be enough to have changed the decree I wrote for myself a year ago. May this year be different. May I be changed enough to merit a better year. May I be dedicated enough to continue to learn, to seek wisdom and guidance from solid sources of such, and to stand solid in these hard lessons I have learned. I was trying to be my Best Self, but now I can clearly see how far away from that I was. My good intentions were simply not enough. May my 40 days of t'shuvah be enough to have turned the tide, to have changed the course I was on.

"I call on heaven and earth to witness today that I have presented you with life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore, choose life, so that you will live."

The choice is mine. Keep growing? Or stay stuck? Take the hard lessons of t'shuvah and let them hollow me like water dripping on a rock, or keep doing what I've always done, be who I've always been? Change is not easy, good intentions are not enough, and apologies are hard.

May Yom Kippur next year find me as a much different, and better, version of myself.

May we be sealed for a better script that we write ourselves into!

G'mar chatimah tovah!