H.A.L.T. ... and is it okay to be angry?

I'd like to expand just a bit on yesterday's post about anger. I want to make it clear that anger is a normal human emotion, and one should never ever feel guilty for feeling anger. My post was about how to respond to anger, and there are exceptions to what I wrote.

Today I'd like to talk about H.A.L.T. and having healthy boundaries. H.A.L.T., as you might know, is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. We are more vulnerable to not responding well or over-reacting when we are in a state of being too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired.

Is being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired negative feelings that we should completely banish to be spiritual people? Absolutely not! Each one of these states is a physical response to a healthy boundary that has been compromised or breached in some way.

Hunger.... hunger is perfectly normal. When it is time to eat, our body lets us know we need more fuel by sending us hunger signals. The body's capacity, or boundaries, for working for us have been exceeded unless we refuel our system. A car runs out of gas and will not go any further until it has been refueled with gas. It's capacity and boundary for operating has been exceeded. So the warning light comes on to let us know that we need to find a gas station ASAP.

If we get TOO hungry, we run into the danger of doing physical harm to ourselves, or of not being able to control what we eat because our body is screaming for food. Hence, the danger of exceeding the boundary.

Lonely..... being lonely is another normal emotion. Perhaps a child has gone off to school, and we miss the time we had with them during the day. We are lonely for their presence and it takes awhile to find our feet again. Same thing happens when a spouse dies, or something happens that cuts us off from our usual contact with certain people.

Feeling that aloneness is not a negative emotion. It is our body and mind telling us that we miss someone, or someones. Companionship is good. Population would come to a screeching halt if our bodies and minds didn't have a natural instinct to be social and find others.

However, if we become TOO lonely, we can easily go into a negativity that is difficult to climb out of. We might choose isolation, and our only "companionship" comes through the TV or a book. Our natural need to be social can drive us to lose sensibilities and become too desperate for companionship, and we lose our boundaries.

Tired.... is much like being hungry. Our bodies need time to recover, even when we are healthy. We need down time, relax time, time to turn off the mind or stop all the crazy, chaotic over-scheduling. If pushed too far, beyond sensible boundaries for too long, our bodies begin producing so much adrenaline that we can become physically addicted to the adrenaline. We drink copious amounts of caffeine to maintain energy levels and adrenaline as well, and we get addicted to the caffeine. Our natural circadian sleep-wake cycles can become completely out of whack. And we become vulnerable because we don't choose a more reasonable schedule or to take better care of ourselves physically.

Anger... this emotion is much aligned, especially by well-meaning "spiritual" people. Anger, too, has its place. Sometimes, anger is a loud, blaring warning signal that someone has overstepped a boundary. Healthy emotional and physical boundaries are important.

My post yesterday was to remind myself to pause before over-reacting to anger. Being more calm is a far better way to be able to tell someone they have greatly overstepped an important boundary, unless, of course, we are talking about physical violations. If someone assaults me physically or sexually, I may have to quell the fear and anger during the assault, but anger is a completely reasonable response. It does not give me permission to retaliate, but it is a warning signal that something needs to change.

What about emotional boundaries? That's the biggie. That's the one many people have trouble with. If my emotional boundaries are violated far enough, or often enough, at some point, my body is going to let me know that this simply cannot go on for my own emotional well being.

It is these emotional boundaries that have been getting pushed to their limits and violated frequently over the past few months, from several sources. My fault was in not being able to remain calm, yet remain firm in talking about the overstepping of boundaries.

It's not easy to do this, but I do know that it is important.

While many of my angry responses these past few months were very honest and truthful and things that needed to be considered by other parties pushing the limits of emotional intrusion, where I sometimes failed was in my presentation of that truth.

And a few times, I did in fact remain calm when being very clear about my boundaries. One person in particular did not honor this, because she, herself, has no boundaries, and no understanding of real-world safety issues. I know now that the only recourse with that particular person is complete avoidance, and to be very careful when I do have to deal with her.

Sometimes we have to do this with family members or coworkers. They seem to know all the buttons to push, and if they choose not to respond to clear and calm discussions about honoring healthy boundaries, then sadly, sometimes the only recourse is avoidance.

Sometimes the issue of control and manipulation repeatedly comes up in relationships. Some of this is natural for parents and children, of course, although many parents either over do the control, or struggle with easing up as the child matures. I am not talking about the parent-child dynamic. I am referring to adult-adult.

How do we know what are healthy boundaries, and when anger is appropriate to the situation? That one is a bit trickier, and I will be addressing this in my next post.

For now, let's remember to have healthy boundaries, and to listen to our bodies and minds when they are signaling that we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. They are messages, not bad emotions to be quashed in order to be spiritual.

Shanah tovah!