Elul's final calls to turn.... dealing with anger

The New Year of 5778 is nearly upon us. Once again, I find myself unprepared. I begin making plans well ahead of time, and then, lots of life happens, and suddenly, the day is just around the corner, and I am not prepared with special meals and traditional festivities.

However, this year I realize something important. Unlike other holidays other people celebrate, such as Christmas, this is not a day marked by its special foods or giving of presents or family gatherings.

Yes, many many Jewish families view it as that and a lot of effort goes into preparing special foods for the Jewish New Year, and traveling to get together with family.

Is that where our attention during this time should be? Is that what the New Year, the ten Days of Awe, and Yom Kippur, our Day of Atonement is about? Perhaps it is for many. It has never been that for me.

I usually find myself in the days leading up to the High Holy Days in the grips of a deep spiritual process. I'm not saying I do well with the process. I'm not saying it changes me profoundly. I'm only mentioning that there is a lot of life going on around me every single year which causes me to let go of the external festivities and focus on the internal journey.

And rather than being upset at once again failing on the special foods and festive meals and some kind of family gathering, which I simply do not have, this year I think the lesson is that it is the deeper meaning of the holiday to which I have attended.

I could be running away from facing the things I need to face. I could have shut it all down and not looked in that mirror of self-reflection. Or even worse, I could've played a blame game and pointed a finger outside of myself for who was wrong and oh how right I am.

T'shuvah, turning, the real work of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and the days in between, is about ME turning, not about me trying to turn others.

This year, I've been working a lot on anger. It's been biting me a lot this summer and early fall. And I needed to step back and take a long, serious look at it.

At first I was pointing my fingers outward. I blamed some of the angry people at the nonprofit group where I have been doing volunteer work. I blamed the stress of the work, of feeling unappreciated, of trying to help a group get back on its feet and not having my voice heard.

Even with backing off from my involvement there, and with doing some catching up so that I wasn't so overwhelmed and stressed with the backlog, the anger came at me or was triggered in me from other sources. And that's when I knew this was a major issue I needed to face squarely and honestly.

One week ago, I came across this quote: "Anger is because I'm not getting my way right now. Fear is because I may not get my way in the future. Resentment is because I didn't get my way in the past." While this is an oversimplification, it holds significant insight. Significant!

I was still struggling with letting go of some major chunks of anger. And then, another quote came to me: "Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situa­tion had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person's involvement entirely and look only within, to see our part. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other’s."

In that moment, the anger dissolved. Where had I been wrong? In my reactions and responses, in my knee-jerks and over-reactions. Even if the other people had been wrong, I had choices about how I responded. I had the option to stay calm. In every single case, with every time anger had been an issue, I could have reacted completely differently than I did. And that was my part. It needs a lot of work!

So this is my t'shuvah. This is my preparation for the High Holy Days. I might not have special meals planned. I will definitely be doing very alternative High Holy Day prayers and observances, WAY beyond the "traditional" ways of observing and celebrating. Rather than feeling like I am unprepared and missing the boat and not doing good enough, for the first time, I feel I am more prepared than I have ever been, and that I am doing far more of the spiritual work of t'shuvah than I ever have, no matter how many hours I spent praying in synagogue in the past.

Hosea said, "For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of G!d more than burnt offerings."

The Psalmist prayed, "Sacrifice and offering you did not desire-- but my ears you have opened -- burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require." And again, "Indeed, you do not delight in sacrifices, or I would give them, nor do you desire burnt offerings."

Isaiah prophesied, "'What are all your sacrifices to Me?' asks the Holy One. 'I have had enough of burnt offerings and rams and the fat of well-fed cattle; I have no desire for the blood of bulls or lambs or goats.'"

May this year be the year we bring the sacrifice of our hearts and souls, the prayer from the deepest part of our hearts to be different, and better. To face the mirror of self-reflection that reminds us for the one finger we have pointing outwards, there are four more pointing inwards at ourselves.

My t'shuvah this year is a contrite heart. Contrite is a confusing word, I think. I take it to mean that a person stops living in denial, becomes humble and willing to look in that mirror and then begin making the changes necessary. To stop justifying poor choices, bad behavior, and automatic responses that no longer serves one well, and to work hard on improving oneself.

So the contrite heart I bring to G!d this year as my t'shuvah, my turning, is not just to recognize I have had a problem, but to take the steps necessary to actively work on changing.

This is the first year I can honestly say that I come to the High Holy Days not unprepared, but more prepared than I have ever been.

This year, for the things we can change, there is t'shuvah, turning, realignment.
For the things we cannot change, there is acceptance.
For the help we can give, there are mitzvot, actions to take.
And for the courage and wisdom needed for all of this, there is t'filah, prayer, and mindfulness, and consciousness.

If it is true that anger comes from not getting my way right now, and fear from thinking I may not get my way in the future, and resentment because I didn't get my way in the past, then may G!d help me turn, t'shuvah, and find better responses going forward.

We still write our own Book of Life,

and our actions are the words in it,

and the stages of our lives are the chapters,

and nothing goes unrecorded, ever.

Every deed counts. 

Everything we do matters.

And we never know what act or word

will leave an impression or tip the scale.


May 5778 find us more prepared than ever, and more conscious of the behaviors and words which leave impressions all around us.

Shanah tovah!