The High Lonesome, Brene' Brown's Braving the Wilderness, Chapter 3

We are studying Brene' Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness. We are now at Chapter 3. Here is a summary of Chapter 2, her definition regarding the quest for true belonging:

"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. ...True belonging is not something that you negotiate externally, it's what you carry in your heart."

There is no more apropos quote today than this one, as it certainly reflects what I most needed to remind myself of at a meeting just 2 days ago. How soon I forget!

Now, some might take offense to Brene's term "spiritual practice," especially applied to the concept of true belonging. For this, she looks to her previous book, The Gifts of Imperfection, for her core definition of spirituality:

"Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion." 

Furthermore, Brene' notes that

"Right now we are neither recognizing nor celebrating our inextricable connection. We are divided from others in almost every area of our lives. We're not showing up with one another in a way that acknowledges our connection. Cynicism and distrust have a stranglehold on our heart. And rather than continuing to move toward a vision of shared power among people, we're witnessing a backslide to a vision of power that is the key to the autocrat's power over people."

This leads us to "sorting ourselves out." By this, Brene' means that we've sorted ourselves out geographically, politically, and even spiritually, into like-minded groups in which dissent is silenced and we look only for and at evidence which support our beliefs. In other words, we live in a giant feedback loop hearing only our own thoughts echoed back to us, which leads us to making assumptions about those around us, which fuels DISconnection rather than connection.

Brene' notes that this current milieu of our social context, played out again and again in various media and social media sites, has too many of us walking away from people we know and love because of our support for strangers we really don't know all that well, although we might think we do, who for sure won't be there to drive us to chemo or bring food over when we're sick. That, says Brene', is the shadow side of our sorting.

"Clearly," she concludes, "separating ourselves as much as possible from people whom we think of as different from us has not delivered that deep sense of belonging that we are hardwired to crave. ...At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction––an intimate relationship,  more personal friendships, family gatherings..."

There is a difference between being alone, and feeling lonely. Loneliness is sad, yes, but it is more than sad. It can be dangerous. We are a social species, wired to be social and seek interconnection, and loneliness pushes us to the perimeter, to being on the outside, and to go into self-preservation mode. Our brains begin to override our need for and attempts at connection with the self-protection.

It is this self-protection mode which Brene' wrote about in her book, Rising Strong, that our "brain's self-protection mode often ramps up the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening, creating stories that are often not true or exaggerate our worst fears and insecurities." Unchecked loneliness fuels continued loneliness by keeping us locked into fear. And that fear will only drive us to become more fearful, more locked into loneliness, pushing away those whom we really can trust as we become paranoid in our thinking. Because we are looking for evidence that someone is against us or has betrayed us, we find it, even if it is not true!

I can certainly attest to this, both as I have done it and as it has been done to me.

Some years ago, when I was trying to overcome some serious events which had me locked into PTSD, I would so often I read into emails and posts that there was a plot going on behind my back. Now these were people who loved me, who supported me, and were very very patient with me because they knew I was going through a rough time. And yet, because my brain was locked into self-preservation mode, it invented stories of betrayal by the very people who loved me most.

The stories were not, in fact, true at all. But I was looking for evidence to support my distorted stories, pushing away those who truly loved me, and I found exactly what I expected––betrayal. Thankfully, after awhile, I was able to move out of such extreme self-protection mode, and I was fortunate that my friends forgave my pushing them away.

I will admit, it took a lot for me to reverse those stories I had told myself, the ones I had truly convinced myself of their veracity. In the final analysis, the stories I had told myself based on the "evidence" I had gathered were simply completely unfounded and not true. The actual facts were 180 degrees away from the "evidence" I had collected.

I wonder how much of this story-inventing and telling we do in our brains is simply untrue? Could our disconnection be leading us into self-protection mode and driving the gap between us and others to widen, causing yet more disconnection? Are we looking for evidence of betrayal and finding it only because we are looking for it? Are we fooling ourselves into thinking we are more deeply connected to others than we really are because of a few easy button clicks online?

Can we connect with others who think differently from ourselves? Do we hang onto our misunderstandings and massage our hurt rather than reach out to try and build the bridge, to gain insight and understanding into what might be an entirely different story than the one we have assumed?

I don't think we can ever feel that we truly belong until we can address this deeper issue, until we can stop disconnecting and distancing ourselves from others. Part of being who we truly are at our core requires that we become vulnerable, and let down our thick walls of self-protection at any cost. And that requires trust. If we are always looking at others as not being trustworthy, we will never be able to truly belong.

I have been very fortunate. Even now, I have made a much deeper connection to a local friend than I ever thought possible. Our conversations are so incredibly deep and meaningful. And it is this sense of connection to her that gives me the courage to become more vulnerable to others.