As I wrote a few days ago, in preparation for Tisha B'Av,
"It is often noted that what we think about surrounds us; where we focus our minds becomes reality. If we think negatively, we seem to attract more negativity, while if we concentrate on more positive things, we perceive more positivity around us. While we cannot always control what thoughts pop into our heads, we can choose our reaction to them, and shift away from the self-dispute. Perhaps the worse sense of fragmentation comes from this dispute we carry on within, the mental negative self-talk loop. We too often get lost in this dispute within ourselves.
In feeling our fragmentation, disconnection, dysfunction, we often look for someone or something to blame; usually others or G!d. Yet in pointing outwards, all we find is more dysfunction and disconnection. Perhaps the biggest lesson of Tisha B’Av is the reminder that it is our own small thinking that leaves us feeling so lost, fragmented, disconnected."
While it is one thing to be prepared and to adequately address real threats or issues which may be heading our way, it is another matter entirely to spend every waking moment worrying about all the terrible things that could happen if that one domino falls. Worry is, at its core, a total lack of acceptance that life is not within our complete control and ability to manifest and manipulate.
I often wonder about those who swear they can "manifest" things like good weather or close parking spaces or some good outcome, and why they don't put their abilities to manipulate life to better use, such as an end to war? And why should an able-bodied individual deserve to manifest for themselves a prime parking space, perhaps taking it from a disabled person who actually needs it? Or why a little rain should be manipulated for one's personal convenience when a hurricane in the distance rages over the ocean heading towards land? If one has these abilities to manifest and manipulate reality, why not put them to use for the greater good rather than one's personal convenience?
The real gift of being educated and experienced, it seems, is not that we’ve learned how to think, but that we have the choice of what to think about and where to put our energies. We have the ability to respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
We have the power to choose healthy perspectives. Things that are boring, frustrating, and irritating can be reframed. We needn’t let impatience, impertinence, or resentment ruin the moments of right now, which we will never get back.
The choice of being mindful and concerned about the well being of those we love without deteriorating into dark predictions of what terrible things might unfold is another powerful tool at our fingertips.
We also have the choice of how we handle and view our emotions. The rabbis of the Talmud recognized the hard-wiring of human beings, and one of the ways we see this is when they encourage us not to default to the first–and often the most extreme–emotional reactions. We too easily become victims of our own anger, envy, and guilt, and lose the ability to separate out what really matters and what doesn’t, what should bother us and what we can let go of. And we lose our ability to maintain perspective.
When we don’t control strong negative emotions, they control us. They seep and explode out in the very moments when they can do the most harm, even when unintentional. Instead of “This too shall pass,” we sit in our petulant anger or irritation, tightly clasping our refusal to understand or forgive, insisting that, “This too WON’T pass. I'm holding onto this grudge until the day I die! I was right and s/he was wrong, and until I get an apology, I won't give them the time of day!”
We all know the way angry or jealous thoughts become all consuming, although we can convince ourselves that these thoughts don't exist, much less control us. Yet, how could anyone possessed by such feelings possibly notice or enjoy what is going on around them? And how could such a person possibly be mindful and prayerful, when their heart is filled with bitterness that they don't see and would never admit to having?
Rabbi Joseph Telushkin tells the story of a woman who carried around a hot poker for her ex-husband for ten years. Rabbi said to her, “What’s the point? You haven’t thrown it at him; all you’ve done is burn your hand.” This is how grudges work; they don't harm the other, they harm the one who holds onto the grudge.
Controlling our perspective is just as important as controlling our behavior. Anger and grudges can be transformed to understanding and the opportunity to repair a relationship before it's too late.
Life is a mindset. People will irritate, disappoint, and hurt us. However, we have the choice to remember that life is opinion, and our opinion is up to us. We can choose to appreciate rather than begrudge, to let bitterness pass and to be generous with our compassion, kindness, and blessings.
Today, which will you choose?
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