"Please."
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you."
"I love you."
"I appreciate you."
"You've got this!"
"I believe in you."
"What do you think?"
"Can you help me?"
Not to be forgotten are:
"How can I help?"
"What can I do?"
"How can I be there for you?"
A few days prior to leaving on a recent trip, a friend sent me some very wise words written by Rebbetzin Tziporah. She noted,
"You may not have much in the way of resources, but your power of speech belongs to you. Rav Freifeld told this story: A woman came into his study. She was visibly broken-hearted. When she moved to her new home, she invited her best friend to come over. Her friend came in, looked around, and remarked, “It's nice, but the rooms are so small.”
The woman was devastated. What was her friend thinking? “When you speak, you have to take responsibility,” Rav Freifeld said. "The Gemorrah tells you that when someone shows you a new purchase, you should offer praise even if it’s a piece of junk. You’re supposed to make people feel good. It’s too late. They already bought it. At least make them feel good by finding something positive to say. In the story of the woman in her apartment.... She’s living there. Why tell her that her rooms are small. Where’s your sense of responsibility?"
In other words, actions may speak louder than words, but words and thoughts are the seeds of those actions.
Kindness is important.
I've experienced less-than-kind words from well-intentioned friends. So often I have asked others, when they are going through a difficulty, "How can I support you? What can I do to help?" And yet, when I have shared a difficulty with these same people, not once have I been asked how they can be of help or support to me. Friendships of this kind soon grow very lopsided, very fair-weather-ish. That's not a bad thing; it's just a fact.
Some people are like that. While I cannot change other people, I can choose to change my interactions with them over time. If I need a bit of cheering up, they are not on the list of the first persons to whom I turn. However, this is also true when really great things happen to me–– they are not among the first I tell the exciting things to.
I know my friends usually mean well; some of them are simply oblivious to how unkind, corrective, or even dismissive their words often come across. This lack of tact is what works for some people. What I have learned is that some people just are not my go-to people when life has handed me a bushel of lemons.
When I've been kicked around a bit, I need from others the same things I do my best to give to others. As much as possible, I will always try to ask, "How can I help?", "What can I do?", "How can I be there for you?", and say, "I appreciate you.", "You've got this!", and "I believe in you." It's my responsibility, not only as a Rabbi, but as a person trying to do good in the world. Life is not about me-me-me and my grand opinions about everything; it's about being kind in our words and our actions.
The point is, our words are important. Being kind in our words is important. In my rabbinical training, I was reminded, and even charged, with the responsibility never to diminish anyone, to always be kind. Sometimes, telling the harsh truth or giving our opinion must be put aside in order to be kind to another in need of some kindness.
So I encourage all of us to give some serious thought about how often we find ourselves saying, "Please." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "I love you." "I appreciate you." "You've got this!" "I believe in you." "What do you think?" and "Can you help me?" As well, let us not forget to also ask, especially those to whom we feel most close, "How can I help?", "What can I do?", "How can I be there for you?" The world depends on our being kind in our words as well as in our deeds.
Even in the grocery store, we have the few seconds it takes to ask someone who looks lost or unable to reach an item on the high shelf, "Can I help you with that?" You might be surprised how often you will find those opportunities appear when you are open to them. We can be the kindness our world needs, one tiny deed at a time.
(And if you think you don't have the few seconds that small act of kindness might take? Your life is in serious need of an overhaul.)
Let us also not forget to include these acts of kindness in our interactions with family and close friends as well.
Our words are important. We have the responsibility to be kind in our words to others, especially those whom we call friends.
You've got this! I believe in you!
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