Helping me find that focus today Dr. Barbara Frederickson of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, whose course in Positive Psychology I have just completed. I learned a lot more from it than I expected! This course does not focus on being happy and increasing happiness, like other "positive psychology courses" I have seen. Our society has made too much of the word happiness, and the same can be said of the word love. Dr. Frederickson brings scientific data to positivity and its benefits and effects, and she does a remarkable job of it.
The entire course emphasizes several key items, such as positive emotions being fleeting, yet actually being far more abundant in our daily lives than negative emotions. Because we are biologically wired to pay more attention to the negative (in order to stay out of life-threatening danger), we miss the much smaller, far more frequent but fleeting micro-moments of positivity resonance that surround us every day. By increasing our awareness of and taking more opportunities for creating these micro-moments of positivity, we increase our physical and mental health, and of course, decrease negativity and its affects.
Why is this pertinent to Eikev? The final week’s videos, articles, and course lectures are about gratitude. And gratitude –hakarat ha'tov– is at the heart of this Torah clip.
Towards the beginning of this section, Moses says, “When you have eaten your fill and have built fine houses and live in them, and when your herds and flocks have multiplied, and your silver and gold is multiplied, and all that you have is multiplied, do not exalt yourself, forgetting G!d, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery … Do not say to yourself, ‘My power and the might of my own hand have gained me this wealth.’ (Deut. 8:11-17).
Which is to say, Don’t forget to be grateful, AND to express your gratitude to the Source from which all these good things come!
It is well known that developing an attitude of gratitude improves physical health as well as immunity against disease. Dr. Frederickson’s studies, as well as others’, have confirmed this. Gratefulness reduces toxic emotions such as resentment, frustration and regret, and decreases depressive incidences. Being grateful even helps us sleep better! Grateful people tend to have better relationships with higher satisfaction levels. Saying “thank you” enhances friendships and elicits better performance from employees. It also strengthens resilience.
What’s not to like about gratitude? Even Moses reminded the Israelites that one thing they should never forget is to live with an attitude of gratitude, ever being mindful not of the blessings, but of the One Who has blessed!
Dr. Frederickson’s research corroborates this concept: it’s not just being grateful and saying thanks, but to value the one who has shown us a kindness. Dr. Frederickson notes in her research that people really differed in how they expressed gratitude, how they thanked others, that there is a higher quality versus a slightly lower quality way of thanking people. She was careful to point out that both ways can be equally enthusiastic; it’s not the enthusiasm that is the critical component.
She gave two examples from her studies:
In the first example, a wife has given her husband a guitar for his birthday. He said, “Thank you so much for that guitar you gave me for my birthday. I love that guitar; it is the most wonderful guitar. I've been jamming with my friends, learning new songs. I've been having a great time with that guitar. Thank you.”
Note that he did what most of us would consider a good thank you. He was expressing gratitude for the gift and how much it meant to him personally, and how often he finds it useful.
Yet, when that spouse heard his thank you, afterwards, she didn't feel seen or valued. This is because his thank you was all about him and the guitar, and not so much about her and her thoughtfulness.
In the second example, a wife has brought home one of her husband’s favorite dessert treats. He said, “Thank you for doing that, that was so thoughtful.” And the wife replied, “Oh it was nothing. I really should make them for you more often since you enjoy them so much.” As the husband and wife continued to interact, the husband made it clear that it wasn’t about the lemon square per se, although he enjoyed it very much, but how often she would think about him during her day and do thoughtful things for him just because she was thinking of him. He went on to say that she is always very thoughtful and connected with others, and thinking of the people in her life all day long, not only him.
In other words, he made his thank you to his wife about her as a person, not about the lemon square.
In other words, according to Dr. Frederickson, “some people put a lot more of the YOU in the thank you, and really make it a relational expression, using it as a chance to shine the spotlight on the other person. While other people kind of forget that ‘you’ part of it…. they say thank you, but then it becomes all about them and the gift or the deed; just a little bit of a touch on the you, and then it's all back to me.” She indicates that the greater the “other focus” in the expressions of appreciation, the more the expression of gratitude served as a “booster shot” for the relationship, and that even six months later, people's relationship satisfaction had shown improvement.
While the expressions of appreciation that didn't have so much focus on the other did not do any harm, she and her team found that those first types of expressions of gratitude were inert. They weren’t memorable, and they did nothing to enhance or improve the quality or positivity resonance within the relationship.
Essentially, expressing gratitude and thank you’s can be a social nicety, a pleasantry we are expected to express, or we can take it up a notch and really let the other person know how much we appreciate them as an important person in our life. We do that not by focusing on the gift or the things or how it helped me, but by acknowledging the effort the other person went to in doing something nice, and how thoughtful they are. We put the YOU in the thank you.
This is one way we can embrace the opportunity of a micro-moment of positive resonance.
Moses was on board with this, even though he did not have access to Dr. Frederickson’s scientific studies. When we are blessed with good things, it’s not enough to acknowledge our blessings. It’s not enough to say, “Thanks, G!d.” As in all of our relationships, it is important that we take a few moments to say “thank YOU” with an emphasis on the YOU.
In other words, it’s not about, “Oh look what you did for me! This makes MY day! I really needed that! Thanks!” but rather, “Oh look how kind and generous YOU are! Thank YOU for being part of my life, and for YOUR thoughtfulness!”
Can you feel the difference? There is an emotional connection in the second expression. The giver feels valued as a person, not as a giver of gifts.
Jewish prayer is an ongoing “seminar” in gratitude. From the first words we say each morning –– Modeh/Modah ani, “I thank you” –– through the Birkot ha'Shachar, "the morning blessings" said at the start of morning prayers each day, our prayers form a litany of thanksgiving and gratitude.
One thing I’ve always noticed is that when Jews “say grace”, (1) we do it both before and after the meal, and more importantly, (2) we bless G!d, not the food. All of our blessings begin with, “Blessed are YOU, O G!d!” This is in sharp contrast to most other food blessings I’ve heard which begin with words like, “bless US and your GIFTS…” Is the focus on the things, the gifts, or on the giver? Jewish prayers always bless G!d. We don't bless the food, we bless the Source, and we bless other people.
Bringing this back into our personal lives, how many of the thank you’s have you given that were rather perfunctory or a short, “Thanks!” and that was it, with no emotional engagement and no expression of truly valuing the giver as a person in the friendship? Have you been told that to expect anything more than a simple acknowledgement, a quick thanks and that’s it, was too much?
Well, here it is in the scientific data. If we all want to live a higher quality life with more positivity resonance, then one of our first steps is to start valuing the people who enrich our lives, and let them know with a genuine expression of connection.
We can feel used or taken for granted in certain relationships or situations, not because no one uttered “thanks,” but because we don’t feel valued as a person, that only what we have given or done is of value. The “thanks” felt detached and unemotional and shallow, even if it might be enthusiastic.
And if this is what it makes us feel like as humans, imagine what the Source of all goodness must feel when our thanks is quick, perfunctory, or superficial, not blessing and valuing the Source.
Moses, I think, had it right. Maybe it’s time we all put the "U" back in gratitUde, and the YOU back in thank YOU!
NOTE: My apologies that my subscription feed somehow managed to repeat an older post the other day. I do not know why. I'm going with alien interference!
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