Ki Tisa and Mercy

Who, or what, are your enemies? Don’t think you don’t have any, and don’t think your enemies are all of the noble variety: poverty, violence, child abuse, hunger––all those social issues which we must work towards correcting. Those are noble causes, yes, but don’t stop there when looking for your enemies.

Today, let’s look a little deeper. What about the “office politics,” or our personal and family dramas, or the times we think we have “the” answer and know more than “they” do, or how about when we insist others do what we think is best for them to do, or when we insist on being right about something we really might know very little about? I know I'm certainly guilty as charged here. These, too, are enemies that we pit ourselves against every day.

And let’s look a little deeper yet. What about how we think of and treat ourselves? Are we not good enough because of how we look or dress? Do we compare ourselves to others and come up on the short end? Is our list of vices longer than our list of virtues? Do we hold ourselves to a standard of perfection and push to always be the best, our best? Because if we do that to ourselves, we will also do it to everyone else around us. Again, guilty as charged.

How often is the conversation in our heads, “Well if only she would…” or “He really needs to….” or “I think she should just follow this advice and she would be fine…” or “Well I always just … and it works for me so they should do that, too…” or “He needs to …” If we stop and listen, we might be surprised at the loops in our heads. These loops, too, are the enemies of our everyday life. And again, I am guilty as charged.

Not so long ago, I bought into one perspective of human growth, one which pushes the concept of "constant and never-ending improvement." There are several different perspectives on human growth, and this CANI concept is only one of them, developed not by a psychologist, but a motivational speaker.

This perspective pressured me to struggle every day to keep becoming better, to keep trying to become my “Best Me,” a goal which I could never reach, because every time I got closer, the goal moved further away. The better me I became, the more I still needed to become better yet: better better best; there is no end to it. It is an endless looping drive to bestness, to an idea of perfection which does not exist, not even in nature.

Think about that. If I was always working towards being my “Best Me,” this means I would never be quite good enough, that I must always push and strive to be “my best” at all times, and that anything less wasn’t acceptable. That’s not a very positive––or realistic––way to live, and yet, this whole concept of constant and never-ending improvement comes from someone who proclaims to push a positive outlook. I disagree that it is positive or motivational beyond a certain point. After a time, it leads to a constant comparison and falling short, anxiety, and even despair and depression. It leads to the very thing it allegedly prevents! At some point, it becomes neither motivational nor positive.

From my personal experience and strivings, this perspective simply did not work to increase my positivity, or to become a "better me," and in fact often did quite the opposite. For months now, I have wondered if this always imperfect and needing to be better/best didn’t also mean, to those who follow the advice of  constant and never-ending improvement, that I am unloveable in my imperfection? Or that yes, I am loveable, but if only I would blah blah blah, I would be better. See the constant and never-ending loop of imperfection? And I don't think G!d wants us to live under that burden. That kind of burden does not serve anyone well, nor does it improve the world.

Even when I can get past what others might think, this constant push to be a "best" I can never reach has become a loop in my head that does not serve me. As a result, I have become my own enemy because I am never enough until I am "my best", and my best is something that keeps changing as I change, always just beyond my grasp, just beyond today. It is as elusive as the unicorn. And the harder I try for it, the further away it goes, the more it hides.

See the impossible loop that sets up? It is failure out of the gate. No wonder people give up! No wonder there is so often a feeling of despair and failure and wanting to quit! That constant and never-ending improvement, which sounds really positive in theory, in practice becomes a never-ending impossibility, always pushing oneself for a goal that one can never reach by its very nature! And this reinforces a sense of never being good enough, and wondering if others can love me at all. And perhaps even worse, it leads me to question, If my best today isn’t good enough to be my best tomorrow, why bother even trying?

If you find yourself in a similar loop, let’s change it. Lately, G!d has been teaching me an important lesson, that I already AM my Best Me, and I can let go of that struggle, that daily battle of judging myself to fall short. Am I perfect? Nope! By no means! Am I my "best"? We only know best when we compare, and I don't think comparing, even comparing myself to myself, is a G!dly attribute, as it sets up a negative loop and too many ways to fail. Am I good "enough"? How about, I am good, period. I am my Best Me already. Period. More growth will come from G!d, not me, as I keep my focus on G!d, and not myself. Can it be that simple? I think it is.

Rather than constantly competing against myself to keep besting my best, an exhausting, impossible, and never-ending quest, not to mention very self-focused and self-centered, I now believe that my day should focus not on myself, but on the Holy. Today, how can I be more like G!d? Of course I won’t get it perfect, because I am not G!d.  And maybe today I get it less perfect than I did yesterday, but that’s okay, too. Yesterday is over, and tomorrow is not yet here. This venture is only one day at a time. Just for today, I will drop the comparisons––of today versus yesterday versus tomorrow, of me to you, even of myself to myself––and look only at G!d.

What does any of this have to do with our Torah portion, Ki Tissa? In the Torah portion Ki Tissa, we learn of the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy: (1) compassion before we sin, (2) compassion after we sin, (3) mighty in compassion, (4) merciful, (5) gracious, (6) slow to anger, (7) plenteous in mercy, (8) truth, (9) keeping mercy for thousands of generations, (10) forgiving iniquity, (11) forgiving transgression, (12) forgiving sin, and (13) pardoning.

No matter how it’s spelled out, the G!d of Moses here in this Torah story is a G!d described as merciful and forgiving. G!d is described as having compassion after we sin, and I think that would be an expected attribute of G!d, don’t you? But did you notice the attribute before that one? The very FIRST attribute of Divine Mercy? Yeah, that one: G!d even has compassion BEFORE we miss the mark.

Can we do that? Can we do that with others, and can we do that with ourselves? Can we have compassion BEFORE anything? Can we drop the constant strivings and comparisons and just be compassionate with ourselves and others?

We might note where in the Torah story that these Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy are listed. They come after the story of the Golden Calf. Remember that one? A very impatient people who had experienced first hand signs and wonders and miracles, leaving behind Egypt and slavery, and beginning the adventure of a lifetime, Moses headed up the mountain to have a little coffee and chat with G!d while they waited in the valley below.

And the coffee chat with G!d took a lot longer than the people expected. Ten days, twenty days, thirty days passed, and nothing. What was taking so long? “Let’s get on with the journey, Moses! And who is this G!d you have presented to us? We don’t have an image, a photo, a FaceBook page; why, we don’t even have a real name! What do you mean when you tell us G!d Who sent you is “I Will be Who I Will Be”? What kind of a name is that? And the other name you gave is is unpronounceable! It sounds like a whisper! We want a G!d with a mighty name, a nice looking image, and something real we can look at and touch!”

And so the people began building the Golden Calf, because Moses might never even return, and they needed something concrete and golden and touchable and pronounceable. And G!d had mercy on them before they even had those thoughts, before they smelted their gold and built the Golden Calf.

There are many lessons for us here, but today let’s just focus on one: compassion before we even know the full story or see how it’s going to play out. This is radical acceptance. Acceptance of others and acceptance of self. Let’s stop holding out impossible standards to ourselves and to others. We lock ourselves into paralysis if we have to always be our best all the time, don’t we? Children need those times when they can play in the mud, get finger paints on everything in sight, smear food all over their faces in their attempts to eat, and yes, have emotional meltdowns because they can’t tell us what is going on in their heads, only that they are not comfortable in some way and need our help and comfort. Let’s allow ourselves, and those we love, to be that: to be messy, to cry, and sometimes to have a bit of a meltdown when we don’t even have the words to explain what we’re feeling. Just because we might have an adult age doesn't always mean we have adult language or a properly working adult brain. We don’t always know what that other person is experiencing, but we can be there, like G!d, with mercy and compassion and comfort.

G!d has mercy before, during, and after. G!d’s mercy and acceptance is radical. Can we do that? Can we let go of the impossibly high expectations we have of ourselves and those around us, the loops of judgement and disdain, of thinking we know how this person should act or think, that we know what is the best way for someone to do something? When we lock ourselves into that way of thinking, we are building a Golden Calf. We are saying we cannot wait for G!d’s plan to unfold; we know better and we must do it this way, now. Can we let go of that enemy within ourselves and simply look towards G!d’s Thirteen Attributes of Divine Mercy, and BE that?

Let’s try doing that instead of building golden calves. Instead of the golden calf of constant self-improvement which we must conquer with all of our might, let’s end the struggle and be the very mercy G!d exemplifies. Let’s stop building idols of ourselves, and instead learn to be that which we most need––mercy and compassion––to ourselves and to one another.

If we want the world to be different, we need to change the way we think and relate with others, and that begins with the way we think and relate to ourselves. Have we made an enemy of our very selves? Have we built a false idol, a golden calf, out of an impossible goal, expecting it from ourselves and others? Or is there, perhaps, a different perspective that serves all of us better? I could, of course, be wrong.

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