Moses, Jethro, and Positive Helping Relationships

Our parshah for this week is Yitro, and this portion of Torah is most famous for what happens in its later chapter: the events on Mt. Sinai and the giving of the Aseret Ha’Dibrot, aka, the ten words, commonly mistranslated as “the Ten Commandments.” These sections of Torah in our current cycle of reading can be seen as similar to sweeps week on TV, hitting one highlight after another, each episode even  more incredulous than before! Recently in our Torah cycle, we have quickly moved from the election of Moses, ten plagues, exodus out of Egypt, crossing of the sea, and now we are about to face the revelation of Sinai, complete with the giving of the “10 commandments.” All of this is famous stuff, the things that make it into movies and TV shows. Most people, and even rabbis, tend to focus on the “sweeps week” highlights of our recent Torah portions. They are big, important events, to be sure.

Yet today, I’d like to look at a lesser known story from this portion in Yitro; in fact, it is the part of the story from which the parashah is named: Yitro, aka Jethro, and his role as a positive role model and helping adviser in the life of Moses. I want to focus on this for several reasons, not the least of which is that some of our Torah stories about family and friendship relationships are very skewed towards the toxic kinds, the severely co-dependent and dysfunctional kinds of interactions, too often found in family systems in our modern society as well as in the Torah––parents who are over controlling; siblings who are deceptive; the list goes on. Today, I hope to restore a bit of balance to the helping relationship and the positive it can bring to our lives.

To that end, Yitro brings the balance back to positive helping relationships, advice giving, and being mentors and role models to others. The Torah gives us a healthy model for such relationships in today’s parshah.

In Hebrew tradition, the parashah usually takes the name of the first important word or two in the text. Thus, it may seem a bit odd that this week’s parashah, containing the “Ten Commandments,” takes its name from Moses’ non-Jewish father-in-law, Jethro, and not Aseret Ha’Dibrot. Yet a closer look at Jethro shows us many important things, not the least of which is how this parashah encompasses some critical universal concepts regarding religious, and Jewish, pluralism, although we will save that for a different sermon. For today, we will focus on the opening of our portion, and it’s first two simple Hebrew words, from which the portion derives it’s name: “vayishma Yitro”, which is, “And Yitro heard.” We must ask ourselves, What did Jethro hear that was so important an entire Torah portion is named for it?

The rabbis of past time, of course, had conversations about their speculations regarding this question. Perhaps Jethro had heard about how Israel had won the battle against Amalek, or perhaps Jethro had heard the thunderous voice at the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Or maybe what Jethro heard was the parting of the Red Sea! The rabbis of the 3rd century imagined, choosing from among the many “sweeps weeks” passages referred to earlier. Jethro, they speculated, Moses’ father-in-law––and not even a Jew, but a Midianite priest––had heard of the glories and victories of this little, new nation, and would somehow rise again, just as they had back then.

However, I find that the most fascinating note in this parashah is Jethro’s conversation with Moses. Jethro listens as Moses recounts all that Israel has come through, under Moses’ leadership. Jethro was impressed! And then Jethro observes. He observes Moses going through a normal day. Moses has sent his wife and two sons to live with his father-in-law because the demands of leading the new tribal nation is so demanding that Moses has no time for them. Every day he must tend to the tasks of organizational leadership, which includes hours of listening to the people coming before him with their cases against each other to render a judgement. Moses is exhausted. His burden and responsibilities are simply too much. They are overwhelming. He has no idea how to change the situation.

Jethro is older and wiser, and senses Moses’ feelings of being overwhelmed. Moses is quickly approaching burn out. Jethro counsels Moses, and advises him, “...You will surely wear yourself out... the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone.” Jethro taught Moses how to manage his business of people-leading in better ways. And Jethro was wise in the way he went about his advice-giving. How does Jethro model for us the best way of being in a helping role, giving wise counsel and advice to others?

First, he offered greetings to Moses. He met Moses on Moses’ own territory. Jethro went to Moses; he did not tell Moses to come to him so he could give him advice. Rather, Jethro went to Moses, and he listened (remember that the opening words are, “And Jethro heard.”) He listens not just to Moses’ words, but he also observed and watched Moses in his daily life. How many times do we offer unsolicited advice without fully taking into consideration the landscape of the other person? Do we walk the mile in their sandals, or do we approach them only from our own perspective?

Then, Jethro expressed gratitude and graciousness to Moses. “Jethro said, ‘Blessed be the One who has delivered you from the hand of Egypt, and from the hand of Pharaoh, who has delivered the people from the Egyptians’ control!  Now I know that One is greater than all the other gods…’” Jethro led with the positive, and acknowledged everything Moses was doing right, and well. He built Moses up. How often do we lead with the positive rather than the critique? This is important.

At this point, Jethro decides to convert, to leave behind being a Midianite priest, because he is so impressed with all that Moses has shared with him. Jethro shares this decision with Moses, and they enjoy a meal together. Jethro has benefited from Moses, and taken counsel from Moses concerning who G!d is. Are we open to receiving advice from those we most want to give advice to?

After all of those positive actions, including standing in Moses’ shoes and observing what he is doing from Moses’ perspective, Jethro then goes on to give some much-needed advice to Moses. Notice how Jethro cuts to the chase, and nails the problem on the head directly. He does not sugar coat it: “Moses’ father-in-law said to him, ‘What you are doing is not good! You will surely wear out, both you and these people who are with you, for this is too heavy a burden for you; you are not able to do it by yourself.’” Jethro points out that the way Moses is leading will be bad for Moses, and it will also be bad for the people. He doesn’t just tell Moses he is wrong; instead, Jethro shares how this is a two-edged sword, and Moses’ micromanaging cuts both ways.

However, Jethro does not stop there. He does not end with a critique or a complaint or a simple, “Well, you’re doing this all wrong.” He goes on to offer wise advice about an improved way: “Now listen to me,” Jethro says, “and I will give you advice, and may G!d be with you: You be a representative for the people to G!d, and you bring their disputes to G!d; warn them of the statutes and the laws, and make known to them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do. But choose from the people some who are capable, humble, and truthful, those who do not take bribes, and put them over the people as rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. They will judge the people under normal circumstances, and every difficult case they will bring to you, but every small case they themselves will judge, so that you may make it easier for yourself, and they will bear the burden with you.” And thus we see a brilliant solution to the leadership which was becoming far too heavy for Moses to shoulder alone.

BUT, there is one more important note in Jethro’s advice-giving to Moses: “If you do this thing, and G!d so commands you, then you will be able to endure, and all these people will be able to go home satisfied.” Jethro not only offered a brilliant solution, but he let go of the results, left Moses to pray over it and decide if this was the right course of action for Moses to take. Perhaps Moses wasn’t good at delegating, and this advice would only make things worse for him in the long run. Perhaps Moses couldn’t let go of micromanaging, and then where would the entire nation be?

So Jethro met Moses on Moses’ level, listened, observed, had his own learning experience from Moses, shared his observations and also shared what he thought might be a reasonable solution to it. More importantly, at the end of the day, Jethro left the results up to Moses, as it was a decision  between Moses and G!d, and not Jethro. Jethro was a mouthpiece, a sage, but not the final decider.

While Moses learned from Jethro about management, Jethro learned about Moses’ story of G!d’s goodness, opening Jethro’s heart to a different way. In turn, Jethro opened Moses’ heart to a better way to continue growing the work of leading Israel. Thus, the learning went both ways. Jethro mentored Moses in the laws of empowerment, how to see and call forth the qualities of leadership in others, and how to share in the joy and the burden of being human AND a spiritual leader.

In his article “Leading from Within,” Parker Palmer coined the phrase “functional atheism.” Dr. Palmer explains, “This is the belief that ultimate responsibility for everything rests with me. It is a belief held even among people whose theology affirms a higher power than the human self, people who do not understand themselves as atheists but whose behavior belies their belief. Functional atheism is an unconscious belief that leads to workaholic behavior, to burn-out, to stressed and strained and broken relationships, to unhealthy priorities.”

What might have happened to the nation of Israel if Moses had not heeded Jethro’s wise counsel to share the load? I dare say Judaism would not have grown into what it is today.  If not for Jethro’s advice, we may have ended up back in Egypt. Few things in life shape us more than the people around us and few choices are more important than deciding the people with whom we choose to associate. We must also ask, What if Jethro had not also been open to learning from Moses? What might have happened if Jethro had been more forceful and not approached Moses with kindness and wisdom, reaching Moses at Moses’ level rather than only what  Jethro thought was right?

We each need a Jethro or two, a mentor, a friend, a teacher, a positive role model, or even a colleague who can walk with us at a deeper level than the rest of the world.  Jethro’s impact not only allowed Moses to succeed, but it sends ripples out clearly seen even in our own day, resulting in a tiered legal system, empowering people to share leadership, raising awareness of burn-out, and advocating for conflict resolution.

Do you have a Jethro in your life? Are you seeking out a friend who can gently nudge you to realize your deepest potential?  In the best-known book of the Talmud, the Ethics of the Fathers, (Pirkei Avot), there is an important saying by Rabbi Yehoshua ben Perachya: “Aseh lecha rav: make for yourself a teacher; u’kaneh lech chaver: and acquire for yourself a friend.”

Jethro, and Rabbi Yehoshua ben Perachya, both remind us all to look for a friend or a mentor who seeks to know us deeply, and challenge us.  We must not settle for people who only agree with us and affirm whatever choices we make.  When friends and mentors challenge the flaws in our thinking and in our character, they make us better people.  When we look for a Jethro, we look for those who hold us to high standards and point out our blind spots. When they, and we, do those things, a godly work indeed, it should be done with love and honesty, grounded in kindness, compassion, and respect, just as we find in the example of Jethro.

This is what Jethro did for Moses.  He challenged him! Jethro used questions to help Moses understand the problem in his behavior.  His questions drew Moses’ attention to the bigger picture and pointed to a possible solution. Questions draw our hearts and minds to open to other perspectives. Moses was therein able to see his stuckness, the flaw in his thinking. Being challenged by someone we know loves us is not an end, but a beginning, to open new doors in our sight and understanding, to help empower us to further and deeper spiritual growth than we can reach without a Jethro.

We each need a Jethro or two in our lives!  We each need someone who can push us, understand us, support us, love us, nudge us, and stretch us, kindly and wisely. These kinds of soul friends/teacher-mentors don’t magically happen. We must ponder, “What is it about me that would allow for a real friendship of this depth and meaning? Am I ready for that? If not, what can I do to make it happen? Or if I already have such a friendship, how can I continue to nurture it?”

I know it was my own stupidity, close-mindedness, character flaws, and propensity for self-destruction which pushed one of my Jethros away not too many months ago. I will live to regret my unkind words and actions for the rest of my life. Today, the parashah Yitro reminds me not to do this again. The truth is often hard to hear, especially if it is not presented in a gentle way. Yet, it is my responsibility to take a breath, and to sift out the chaff, and be willing to face the hard truth about myself.

Perhaps someday, I will learn to be a better Jethro to others, and to accept the Jethro(s) currently in my life, to not destroy the one thing even Moses needed, great teacher and leader that he was. Jethro made him vastly better, and, I might add, reunited him to his estranged wife and two sons.

How can we be Jethros to each other? What qualities must we cultivate? Let’s start the conversation!