What about unanswered prayer?

How do you understand and deal with the times when prayer goes unanswered?

When I was a child, I did not understand why my prayers for an end to the abuse went unanswered. As I matured, I understood on a much deeper level this beautiful part of my life called spirituality, and that prayer is not about asking for things; it is about re-connecting to the Divine Source of All. Prayer is not for G!d; it is for me. It is to bring my awareness back to the reality of the spiritual dimension of everything.

The English word “prayer” comes from the Latin, precarius, which means “to beg a favor.” And I think that’s where many people get stuck. In Hebrew, “to pray” is l’hitpallel, which means “to stand in self-judgement.” This means that prayer is to review where I stand in relation: to myself, my Higher Self, G!d, others, and the world. It is to remind me I am not separate and alone, but part of something much larger, part of the Whole. Prayer elevates me, and the world. It is not so much asking for things and expecting results as it is a being with. That is the essence of relationship.

G!d does not need my praise; I am the one who needs to be reawakened to the numinous all around me. L’hitpallel calls me to search myself as I stand in relationship to my Higher Self, G!d, others, and the world, and to continue to transform myself and reach for higher and higher levels of vibration. 

Another story about prayer I like is about a Holocaust victim who had lost a leg. An atheist standing near him heard him praying, and the atheist commented, “You fool! Do you really think G!d will give you back your leg because you prayed?” The survivor calmly replied, “Of course I don’t expect G!d to give me back my leg; I’m praying for guidance from G!d to help me learn to live without it.”

Prayers are for me to learn to adjust to life on life’s terms, not for me to convince G!d to adjust to my terms. In that sense, there is no such thing as unanswered prayer. 

In terms of my childhood situation, G!d did not cause the suffering and G!d was not free to prevent it. Humans caused it and humans are responsible for their choices, decisions, actions, attitudes, and behavior. While it is sad for any innocent child to go through abuse, I believe that it is not G!d hiding or turning G!d’s face away from the horrors and suffering in the world, but humans who place themselves between their victims and G!d, so that G!d’s face is hidden by the wicked. In this sense, G!d is eclipsed by those who would block the higher spiritual vibrations.

Just as we cannot see the sun during a solar eclipse because its view is blocked by the moon, the sun is still the sun, still shining and giving life to the earth. In a like manner, the wicked can block us from seeing G!d, and G!d cannot prevent that, but it does not diminish G!d, nor does it diminish others from doing good deeds and being a G!dly person in the world, even in the midst of terrible things happening to the innocent and good people of the earth.

This is why prayer, that standing in honest self-judgement, is important. I must always look closely at when and how I might be blocking someone’s view of G!d, and experience of good, in the world. When we pray, we are actually judging ourselves against the standards we should be observing for our conduct and behavior and values. Are we as righteous as we can be? Are we as merciful as we can be? Are we actively engaged in creating a better world? Are we measuring up to being the best individual we can be?

That being said, why, then, pray for others or for situations? If I pray for someone’s health or well-being, to find a solution to a situation, or even for their safety, or other issues which concern them such as a job so they can provide for their family, I ask for the best outcome, not for what I think might be best. I ask that their burdens be eased, and also for guidance about how I might be of help with that. How specifically can I be of service in this situation?

I’m not really asking G!d to do these things for us. I am not trying to move G!d, but my prayers are really about each of us changing ourselves. When a block, whether within ourselves or an external one, moves out of the way, we are allowing for blessing to move into our lives. It is not G!d Who changed. Prayer allows all who pray to take a closer look at their own lives and do some shifting. 

When we see something which has been broken by human callousness or someone who has been wounded by human cruelty, it is natural to many of us to pray and ask G!d for healing and repair. As it says in Pirke Avot 2:21, “It is not your duty to complete the work [of repairing the world], but neither are you free to desist from it.” Crying out to G!d is the first step towards opening our hearts, and from that place, we can better ascertain and focus on what needs to be done to repair and heal. 

When I pray for others, I am asking that we be attuned to our highest spiritual vibrations, that we be given clarity and guidance for continuing to become our best selves, and that this process would lead to a change in our perceptions, or that we become able to make whatever changes the situation calls for. Perhaps the physician knows of a way to hasten healing. Perhaps the person for whom I am praying will have a sudden insight, a flash of inspiration, or meet just the right person who can help them. Perhaps blocks will fall away as we all do the spiritual work of becoming better individuals and the material work of building a better world. 

Being in a relationship with G!d means that we don’t need to hide our thoughts, desires, and flaws. Rather, we pour out our hearts and souls to the Soul of the Universe. When we share a prayer request with Ribono Shel Olam, the guiding force of the universe, we stand in self-judgement, and this means we are completely honest, open, vulnerable. These moments can be the most nourishing moments for our own souls, when we are most fully alive and fully authentic. We cannot move forward until we reach this level of honesty and self-appraisal.

When I pray for someone who is in ill health and I give tzedakah or do other righteous actions on their behalf, the mystical tradition in Judaism tells me that I am stimulating the flow of shefa (divine outflowing), chesed (lovingkindness), and rachmones (compassion) not only on this physical level of existence but also on other levels as well. The person may or may not achieve a physical healing, but the healing might occur on a soul level that is hard to describe, or the healing might be that some aspect of suffering or alienation in this world or in another level of existence is being repaired in ways I can’t see or know. In any case, on the level of vibrations, this kind of prayer and action stirs up the flow of goodness, and I have improved my relationship with G!d because of it.

Bottom line, I am not asking G!d for a direct answer; I am praying that we all are able to improve our relationship with G!d, and therein a solution might be found. Through prayer we are bringing G!d more into our lives. 

I believe that perhaps the best example of what I am trying to explain can be found in our annual High Holy Day prayer, the Unitaneh Tokef. This prayer asks the question, “Who will live and who will die?” And what is our answer to that? Is it that G!d is in total control and will have it one way and that is it? No. The answer this prayer gives is that t’shuvah, tefilah, and tzedakah can shift things. Of course we don’t know who will live and who will die, nor do I believe it is decreed by G!d. But the values of t’shuvah, turning again and again to G!d, of tefilah, cultivating a relationship with G!d, and taking the next step and applying our values in the world through tzedakah all help both individuals and communities improve the world in many ways, and also helps us individually to deal with what comes to us along the way.

Bad things do happen to good people. Prayers seem to go unanswered. But they seem to go unanswered only because we lose focus on the real role of prayer. It is not the Latin sense of begging for a favor from G!d, but the Hebrew sense of continuing to work for change in myself, my community, my family and friends, and the world and society in which we live, in shoftim Elohim, partnership with G!d. In reality, there are no unanswered prayers. We just easily lose our focus on what prayer is in the first place.